Dancing on Water Lilies

In the Cool of the Dark

2010-04-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

I am hearing...the the click clack of the fan's metal string hit against the light

I am thinking...of how I my eyes are burning and yet I feel like I "need" to write or do something more

I am thankful for...the little boy I call my son. I love him so much.

I am hoping...for those in the world who are hurting to find peace

I am creating...a safe spot for Tien and one for me...but I haven't moved into action

Around the house...everyone is sleeping

One of my favorite things...that happened today was Tien-Tien wiped my tears off my face and he did so with a loving touch.

Things I am hoping for...for a smoother start when I awake in the morning.

A few plans for the rest of the night...I plan on going to bed and sleep soundly.

A prayer concern I'm sharing with you...there is someone in my life that is hurting. Can you keep her in your prayers.

A Softened Heart

2010-01-05T22:20:00.000-07:00

How many times a year does one person try to start anew only to find you've stepped back several steps and feared the consequences of what we've done?

I know at least for me I have done it so many times I feel ashamed of where I am at.

This post isn't about a new year's resolution but rather a promise of my heart. My heart's prayer is that the other side of my heart be tied to who I am in Jesus today...not by the chains of yesterday. I pray that God softens my heart in such a way that I never let go of who I am in light of eternity.

May God hear my pleas and grant me the solace He brings.

With Open Arms, She Choss Love

2009-12-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

Majuske's The Humbled Heart

I saw the look in her eyes this morning. Her eyes starved for a love. A love she longed to have and share with another. Her heart met with a sense of sadness, and in her way she could communicate she denied herself of the love she so wanted saying, “I don’t need love,” “I am a mother,” “I have enough love in my heart.” Then she heard, “you know a child loves his mother in the best way he can. He has a small cup compared to the big cup.” The kindness in the voice echoed of a nurturing mother. As she sat and listened, the message of wanting to belong was a validated need in her life. Scared, she acted out. She sought what felt comfortable–only to be left with the same emptiness she had felt. How she saw herself was distorted. She needed to visually see herself as a woman and, yet, a child. She understood how a child seeks the shelter of his mother’s love gave him a sense belongingness; she needed that, too. That little cup she thought she had to give was much bigger than she believed. Her needing love wasn’t bad. “It is okay to need someone. Sometimes you can use your voice to ask.” These were simple statements to hear, but not simple for he to do. Asking for herself is extremely hard. At times, you can catch her eyes flood up with tears when she felt she caused another to feel burden by a small request for a cup of water when sick or even to talk. Though, she felt she had the skills of a small child, she felt empowered by her taking the first step into choosing securing an adult attachment with her therapist. Maybe having this attachment form in adulthood could allow her to blossom into the woman who had every one of her essential needs met. With this new sense of being, she choose to take the next step.

Interconnectedness

2009-12-08T22:33:00.000-07:00

Linda Mac Arthur's Stained Glass Names Entwined Hearts

What happens to my sense of interconnectedness with another loved one? It seems that feeling is fleeting. One moment I can feel like I matter enough for others to love me, and then in the next minute I find great difficulty feeling like I have a sense of belongingness with my loved ones. This feeling sucks.

I made some progress with being upfront about who I am to myself. It is hard for me to say, "yeah, I don't want to burden another" or "I lost that sense of belonging with someone I am closely connected with," and, yet, I found myself saying those things to my expressive art therapist. I felt stupid. Even though I felt ashamed for feeling this way, I found that it opened my eyes to my core beliefs.

Growing up, I was the second to the last child in my family. I was the quiet one. The one who was reserved and observent to everyday life around the house. I saw the struggle of my parents to provide a life for the whole family come first before my own needs. I still believe that the family as a whole comes first.

There were lots of opportunities for me to grow, yes; however, I had emotional difficulties due to early childhood sexual abuse. Having been manipulated by my uncle and a "family" friend, I was left with a truly distorted picture of what I meant to my family...and even myself. I was told I didn't matter by Oscar, the family friend. I was told that my parents didn't like me. I felt alone and rejected. I even felt like the only way I was any good was when I filled a need. The need wasn't always good.

I am guessing that this abuse forever made me lose a sense of who I was. I felt like I didn't ever really know who I was because I wasn't allowed to be myself. I was always what someone else wanted me to be. At an early age, this is what I learned.

I am not throwing myself a pity party. What I am trying to do is make some sense of who I am right here and now. I want some form of interconnectedness between the ones I love and me, and for me to see if the way I believe is reality or fiction. I don't want to live a distorted life. I want to live a life in the best way I can.

My not having a sense of identity is hard. I have been striving to create in me a sense of who I am. I have written affirmations on my bedroom window. I wrote things like, "I am loved" or "I can live life." I have written things like, "I am the best mother for Tien-Tien" and "God needed me here on earth so He brought me from heaven to earth to fulfill a need." I believe these to be true...at least in the moment I wrote them. I can look at the bedroom window and read them whenever I am struggling to see me in the mirror. The sayings help me. They help reinforce who I am in times of great struggle to keep me together.

So, here I am. I am feeling better about myself than when I first began writing this post. I still don't feel 100%. Honestly. I still have some things on my heart that cause me feelings of anger. I feel on one hand I should let that anger go, but then on the other side I am still very hurt by the way a situation ended that I don't want to let it go. If I let it go, I am saying to myself and the one who hurt me, "I am better. You don't control my life. I can move on with life." So, the decision I feel I need to make is quite clear. I need to let go of the anger and hurt.

So, this is what I am going to focus on this moment:

I am hearing...the softness of Celine Dion's voice singing in French

I am thinking...of how I need to go deep in prayer and call on the Lord to take away this anger and hurt inside of my heart before I let it eat me, a wonderful human being, up

I am thankful for...being given the chance to give birth to a little baby boy nearly four years ago when there are so many mothers who experience the loss of a baby

I am hoping...for a peace to overcome any sense of my being upset with the frivolous things in life when I have so much to be thankful for in the here and now

I am creating...a sense of hope

Around the house...there is a chill in the air

One of my favorite things...that happened today was my friend reflected back on what happened six years ago to the day, the birth of her son. When she did, I thought of the struggle to become pregnant and have a live birth. I thought of the pain and bitterness in my heart because all I wanted in my life was to be a Mommy. Now I am, and life is good. Life is good because I have learned to have a sense of fulfillment not by others' standards but of my own.

Things I am hoping for...are presents under a Christmas tree that bring joy of realizing how I have thought of a way to express my love for my family.

A few plans for the rest of the night...I plan to publish this post. I plan on taking deep breaths and ground myself thoroughly through prayer and meditation. I also plan on going to bed and sleep soundly.

A prayer concern I'm sharing with you...there is someone in my life that I haven't spoken to in a little while. I know she's an adult and she made choices for herself. I just feel a great sense of hurt and anger how she walked out of my life. She is my biological sister and sister-in-Christ. I pray she is safe. I pray that I let go of the anger inside of me, and just allow the wounds inside of me heal. I don't want to harbor ill feelings toward her. I want to have a loving nature and express it as the responsible woman I am today...not the teenager who felt abandoned by her when she shunned me because, "I was hurting my parents so much." I pray I forgive myself for feeling this way. I pray also that Michele is okay. I miss her dearly. I love her unconditionally. I also miss her son Brandon so very much.

The Price of Celebrating Christmas

2009-12-06T20:48:00.000-07:00

There are so many ways people try to express how one loves another at Christmas. I often wonder why is it that my society puts so much emphasis on getting presents when there are people in this world who don't have food to fill their empty tummies or even clean water to drink. That is heartbreaking to me.

As a mother, I wish to give my son the finest things in life. I am not trying to meet others' expectations of what this means to me, but what I want to convey to my son is that it is okay to want something yet it is not okay just to forget those who don't.

How many of you have gone without...food, clothing, shelter, clean water, freedom from unseen hurt and pain or even love?

Can't I dream of a day when one might look to anothers' need before buying more of something that you probably won't need!

I'm not sorry for feeling this way. I feel satisfied with all of the things God has provided my family and me throughout the year and even this day. I've been learning not to worry for tomorrow. I am grateful that this moment my son feels no hunger, was able to get clean water to drink, have clean water to take his bath, and much more than just this. What my heart hurts for are those in this world who go without these basic things in their lives, and, yet, here we are, Americans, finding ways into getting that bigger television or even another toy for our own children while someone goes without.

Maybe what I wrote touched your heart. Maybe it opened your eyes. Maybe you feel compelled to do something. How about reaching out in any shape or way this Christmas and do unto another what you can right this moment. It says in the scriptures that whatever we do for another we love Jesus as if it were Him in the flesh.

Thinking of Christmas

2009-11-29T16:22:00.000-07:00

There has been so many thoughts running in my head. I have made a concerted effort to keep focused on what's happening in the present. So, here I am writing on this dark and dreary day.

The weather outside was quite beautiful in the morning with lots of sunshine. In the past hour, the weather made a turn for the cold, and there has been a drizzle ever since. My Mom was saying that on Four Peaks there will be most likely snow on the tops of the mountain. Believe it or not, I think this could be true.

My son fell asleep about an hour ago. He had taken a bath and accidently cut his pointer finger. He was crying and crying, and when I put a bandaid on it Tien just stopped crying. His crying made me panic inside.

After I got him to calm down, Tien laid his head on my chest and fell asleep. I put him on the bed, and he is sound asleep still.

I didn't go to church this morning at all, nor do I plan on going this evening. I feel like I enjoy the SOTH church, but I am unfamiliar with the Catholic church. I was baptized Catholic. I just never made it to confirmation and so on. Most of my childhood, I went to Baptist churches. Baptist churches closely resembles what I believe to be true. I just don't have a Baptist church to go to here where I live. I am going to do some research and see where God can lead my family and I to attend.

Well, I have things I need to do. Take care everyone...

Things I Am Thankful To Have

2009-11-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

The gentleness of a Savior
Hope for the future
Love in my heart
Beauty captured through my child's eyes
Happiness in the moments I am living
Parents who love and support me in every which way they can
A father for my son who loves him in the best way he knows
Shelter over our head and food in our belly
Good health
Mercy
Love from God
Assurance God has never forsaken me nor will He ever forsake me
Eternal life
Forgiveness
The ability to leave my sin at the foot of the cross

Focusing and Loving

2009-11-25T00:37:00.000-07:00

I am hearing...the fan creating white noise

I am thinking...of how I choose to act out of the love I have been given freely instead of the hurt I feel and desire to make that person feel how badly they've hurt me

I am thankful for...how I have a Savior who loves me unconditionally

I am wearing...is my skibbies (I don't like to wear anything to go to bed)

I am hoping...to allow myself to grieve in a healthy way rather than being self-destructive

I am reading...scriptures that encourage me to act upon the love I have been given freely and how I am a new creation in Christ

I am creating...a sense of hope

Around the house...I am picturing Christmas lights brightening our home and the joy of the season filled out of a love God gave to all of us

One of my favorite things...is to blog through images

Things I am hoping for...a peace that surpasses the worry of my heart this moment

A few plans for the rest of the day...I plan to seek the solace of my Savior, as I seek Him thru prayer and being still

A prayer concern I'm sharing with you...there is so much hurt and pain in this world...even mine, but this moment I want to ask for prayers for someone I unconditionally love. It is unspoken. I just want to act on love and not of the hurt inside of my heart.

And, what I would like to say is that I hope I realize how blessed I am to be here today. Each moment lived is a gift from God above. He loved me so much that He thought the world needed someone like me, and I only hope and pray that I recognize the call to love another no matter what situation they may be in

Things I Love

2009-11-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

The beauty of a prairie and the quietness its imagery brings to me.

The joy in my son brings to me

The feeling of knowing in spite of anything and everything I do I have a Savior who loves me as if I am His only child

Willingness to Change

2009-11-08T05:06:00.001-07:00

I've often wondered, if confronted with the prospect of my own willingness to change, would I be able to change the pervasiveness of hurt and pain in my life.

I have been reading for the last four hours about stories like me, and, to be honest, I am scared of the truth and afraid of the next step.

I've had over 30 years of pain....30 years of loneliness, always trying to be what others wished me to be. A shadow among those I love. All I am now is a woman who finds ways to love others just not myself. I eat my feelings so frequently that I call myself an emotional eater. I feel alone even when in a room full of people. I have problems trusting others. I hurt those around me by my words or fits of anger. I often think of how it must be better for the ones I love if I commit suicide rather than cause them emotional turmoil. I believe that I am unlovable deep down because this is what I was told and showed through the manipulation of the one who abused me. I believe I don't have the proper attachment to build a life on mutual respect, love, honor or, even, trust.

How can I can begin to heal and actually be who God has destined me to be...more than I am now.

Spooky Sweets: Best Halloween Cakes and Cupcakes

2009-10-27T02:08:00.001-07:00

Spooky Sweets: Best Halloween Cakes and Cupcakes

Posted using ShareThis

If You Walk Away...

2009-10-25T02:18:00.000-07:00

I have no words to draw any closure to what my sister threatened to do today--walk away from Tien and me and my parents. Doesn't she realize that in doing so, she is going to break the heart of a little three year old boy who used to call her Daddy? Doesn't she know she is going to rip apart our Mother's heart because she has memories of Michele taking Brandon away from them numerous times. Plus my Mom has memories of having to leave her own children, and she is forever scarred how her child looked at her when she had to walk away when he was just a little kid. She says she is doing it because she will have a better life. If that is what she believes, then let her believe that. She has to take into account what she is doing affects far more people than just herself. It affects her son Brandon who is in Kindergarten. He has all ready experienced the trauma of losing his father, even for the best, and his growing curious mind wonders why his Daddy isn't around. Is it fair to let this happen? I know God's will is going to happen one way or another. I am not going to beg her to stay. I am not going to let her walk away and then come back into his life. My son's Auntie Chele isn't replaceable. What an emotional loss on so many levels!

It's 5 AM

2009-10-24T05:35:00.000-07:00

A brewing pot of coffee would be an inviting smell this morning. The early morning air is chilly but not as windy as I first thought (having just turned off the ceiling fan), and the sounds of the roadway not too far from the house are picking up. I am laying here on my bed wondering why I am still up.

I think the echoes of other people's pain have left an imprint on me, and in my own struggle to come to terms with reading it I am not able to shake their stories easily. So, here I am writing this blog post.

Around midnight, I began watching Ghost Hunters. The episode was on a old theater in Chicago. I've come to love watching ghost related shows. I think they are fascinating. One of my favorite shows to watch is Ghost Lab. The next and final thing I watched was "Lady in the Water." It was a little disturbing to watch these type of shows at night, especially without me feeling tired enough to sleep.

I am hoping by posting this entry that I can let go of some of the stuff that has caused me some emotional strife.

So, here are some things that I am going to think of...meditate upon...

Yesterday had been a constructive day for me. I was able to take a long nap to recuperate from a lung-membrane infection. We went grocery shopping. I picked up some much needed contact lens stuff (rewetting drops and cleaner). Most importantly though, Tien was able to spend some time outside with his cousin. They ate their dinner outside, too..

I am hearing..."Mommmmmyy" (Tien cries out just right now. I guess he is trying to see if I am still here next to him.)

I am thinking...of how I need to meditate on things that bring me peace in this moment, how love is the greatest gift of all, and that I am say grateful to have a Savior who loves me more than I could ever love Him.

I am thankful for...being able to see the beauty in just watching Tien play yesterday outside. He is so carefree and full of life.

I am wearing...is my skibbies (I don't like to wear anything to go to bed)

I am hoping...to get some sleep as soon as I finish this post

I am reading...actually, was reading other people's posts on borderline personality disorder and motherhood

I am creating...in my mind a new perspective on how to view the simple things I do as a way I show self-love. For instance, I took a shower last night, and to me at this moment shows that I love myself enough to clean myself up.

Around the house...everyone else is sleeping and I can hear an intermittent chorus of snoring

One of my favorite things...to do is use my hands and imagination to create something beautiful like my goddess sculpture of me pregnant.

Things I am hoping for...are many more moments lived, guided by the love in my heart and in the here and now

A few plans for the rest of the day...I am not sure what I plan on doing the rest of the day except rest my lungs and get some sleep plus spend some quality time with Tien

A prayer concern I'm sharing with you...there are so many people who live with the stigma of mental illness, and they struggle to cope with how it affects them and their loved ones....actually everyone around them. My prayer for them is for them to find out about the Love that can endure and guide them into having a peaceful life. Can you raise up someone you may know who suffers from mental illness?

And, what I would like to say is that I hope I realize how blessed I am to be here today. Each moment lived is a gift from God above. He loved me so much that He thought the world needed someone like me, and I only hope and pray that I recognize the call to love another no matter what situation they may be in

A Project

2009-09-20T22:11:00.000-07:00

I am planning on making an apron this week. If everything goes all right, I hope for it to turn out something like the apron above. I've never made my own apron, but it doesn't seem like a difficult thing to go do at all. Anyways, I am feeling like I am not at my best. I am tired and cranky.

Ten Reason I Choose to Live

2009-09-19T22:28:00.000-07:00

My son
There is a love inside of me that can't deny the power of God's ability to still work in and through me
Something inside of me tells me I can't give up no matter how much heaven looks better than the pain I have and will ever endure
I can't give up
If I believe I love because God first loved me, then I must love myself in order for me to truly love what God loves
My little Tien-Tien would think Mommy didn't love him enough and that he must have done something for Mommy to die by her own will
If I believe in God's ability to use my life experiences, good or bad, then I must believe whatever I am going through or will go through is for a greater purpose of building His kingdom.
I still know God has something in store for me to do here on earth
I have so many reasons to live for
I am thankful for the moment I am living

Reason to Trust: I Trust My Own Ability to Trust Myself

2009-09-10T02:32:00.000-07:00

I hear you telling me not to fall into the fairy tale of "love." You desire to have one man love you for who you are, and for him to complement you. Love isn't about how you need to act in order to get a certain thing. It isn't about jaded perceptions or streams of bitter little nothings repeated in my head. In having to live the life I had, I had experienced it in a way unique to others' eyes. I have found that life isn't about waiting till the storm to pass, but how you can learn to dance in the rain. Unclouding the way I see life is key to truly loving the moment I am living in spite of myself or others and even the residue of bitterness that clouds my eyes.

Love is about what grew inside of me long before I knew where true love really came from--the heavens above. Even in my emptiness right now, I have a part of me that still cries out I love because God first loved me. You can find that Bible verse truth in first John chapter four verse nineteen.

http://www.polyvore.com/xxlovexx/set?id=10003157

"The euphoric feelings we call ‘love’ is the emotion that accompanies the experience of cathecting. Cathecting is the process by which an object becomes important to a person. Once cathected, the object, often referred to as a ‘love object’ is invested with our energy as if it were a part of oneself, and this relationship between oneself and the invested object is called a cathexis. One’s cathexis may be fleeting and momentary. Genuine love implies commitment and exercise of wisdom. When one is concerned for someone’s spiritual and emotional growth, one knows that a lack of commitment is likely to be harmful and that commitment to that person is probably necessary for one to manifest one’s concern effectively. The concern and commitment to another’s spiritual and emotional growth is the purest form of love. It is for this reason that commitment is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship—friends, significant others, husband/wife.

Genuine love transcends the matter of cathexis. When love exists it does so with or without cathexis and with or without a loving feeling—those bursts of butterflies in the stomach, body tingling, etc.

It is easier—indeed, it is exhilarating—to love with cathexis and the euphoric feeling of love. However, it is possible to love without cathexis and without loving feelings, and it is in the fulfillment of this possibility that genuine and transcendent love is distinguished from simple cathexis. Genuine love is volitional rather than euphorically emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of ‘a decision to love.’ This person has made a commitment to ‘be loving,’ whether or not the loving feelings are present.

It can be difficult and painful to search for evidence of love in one’s actions, but because true love is an act of will that transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis, it can be said, “Love is as love does.” Love and non-love, as good and evil, are objective and not purely subjective phenomena.

Not Feeling Sleepy Enough

2009-09-06T02:24:00.000-07:00

It's 146am. My head hurts and I slept a long time during the day. If I was trying for an escape, the one thing I really messed up was my sleeping pattern by sleeping 9 hours during the night plus another three hours for a nap.

Yeah, life is a little stressful for me right now. As I heard on an episode I watched online tonight, "it is what it is." So, what? You are thinking. I don't know. What I do know is that tonight I need to sleep, but right this moment my brain hurts from thinking and it is 150am.

How am I coping with things?

Well, let me put it this way...not eating for nutrition or sleeping much more than usual and even though I sleep I still feel like crud.

Depressed is a word that pops into my mind when I ask myself, "what am I feeling."

I am depressed I have missed three classes for DBT, which includes a couple counseling sessions, and this could put me at stake to being kicked out of the program. I also feel worried about feeling depressed. I think about those around me. I think whether or not they truly have my best interest at heart or am I just someone who they need in their life for the moment to get them somewhere. I think about where I am in my life or lack thereof and feel depressed about the choices I have had to make to ensure a nurturing environment for my son and I. I don't regret having to had to make those choices, but I feel like if I were given an opportunity to have some form of normalcy then I could have been dealt with a better hand at life...or my ability to cope.

Okay. So, I know that was me not accepting responsibility for the choices I have made and me acting as if I were the victim of circumstance, but there are parts of me that still grieve for that part of me that wants to be provided for and loved unconditionally.

Unfair to God who first loved me, and out of His love for me I was able to learn to love myself.

I read and reread 1 Corinthians 13:7-8, "Love bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

My thought process goes somewhat like this:

bears means wear the cross I am given in this life
hopes means to expect the race to be completed in the end because Jesus has all ready overcomed
endures means that if love is to prevail at all cost to what life experiences I have in my life then why do I feel so sad or hurt or broken

Love ought to overwhelm my life through the love I have been given and received. Love ought to get me through moments like these. Love ought to be my focus instead of my need for me to be put first. Part of me feels like kicking and screaming, "what about me. why isn't it about me. aren't i loved enough? at what cost of my person will it take for me to finally feel to be loved?" Love ought to shine through the muck and grime leftover by my choices, so that what love still resides in my conscious life is giving God the glory for what He has done and still doing for me.

Insane isn't it?

On My Mind

2009-08-01T23:06:00.004-07:00

Earlier in the night I was hearing music from my phone. The songs it played were, "Draw Me Close," "Bring the Rain," "God with Us," "Spoken For," "Homesick," "Find Your Wings," "Word of God Speak," and "My Help." I was swimming naked in the pool, and it was so amazing to listen the music and watch the stars. The stars were amazingly beautiful. I was thinking of how one day I am going to ascent into heaven, be greeted with the beautiful Lord's face, and finally be home. I am thankful for Jesus being enough and Him being the one Truth that lives today in this world that guides and directs me into what His light would have me see this moment, today, and all of the days He has blessed me with living. I cannot imagine what it will be like to see the scars left by His crucifixion. I am hoping to keep focused, enjoy the moments I am living in the moment, love in the way God has called me to do so, but most importantly I hope that I keep God the focus of my life...submitting to His will and surrendering all I am for Him. As much as I want to make love again, I am going to wait for a man who deserve the beauty I hold when I share myself with him. I am creating in my mind's eye a boundary that will keep me away from succumbing to the temptation to sexual immorality. I believe God brought this to my attention this past Sunday. I heard the youth pastor speak about how making love feels good, but God intended us to make love to our husbands and wives. Making love is meant to be shared in holy matrimony. I believe this to be true. He said it was like Adam and Eve in the garden, and them eating of the fruit on the one tree God said not to eat thereby them being cursed with the pains of child labor, sin, and mortal death. The youth pastor said that the fruit wasn't disgusting, but the principal of it was Adam and Eve weren't supposed to eat of it. So, now I understand that I don't want to make love before marriage. I want to wait and experience making love with my husband in a way I never imagined it could be like. As it is getting pretty late, I am going to get ready to fall asleep. I wish you love, peace and hope in the One who has come and overcame the world.

Trying to Focus

2009-07-10T20:54:00.002-07:00

It's been a while since I struggled with such temptation in my life and desire to have male friends. Trying to have a male friend is quite a distraction to me. I wish just to be held, reassured and loved in the way I need right now. I want to keep my focus on God first, but like in scriptures "man cannot serve two gods." It's so true. On one hand, I want to just cave in and live in the moment, but on my terms and those aren't the greatest thoughts for me and who I am in Christ now. I miss my church family so badly. I miss my friends at Celebrate Recovery. The bond between the women I miss. I miss seeing them and knowing that no matter what I was loved and not judged. I missed being able to worship the Lord and not worry about who or what I had to expect to take me. I need more of God. I need more of His mercies and grace because I feel I am steps away from forever screwing up stuff in my life. I feel so angry. Here I have been these last six months and I still don't know what I am doing. Am I on the right track? Spiritually, I feel more worse than when I was in Maryland. I rather be beaten than go through trying over and over again.

View of from My Balcony

2009-07-05T00:18:00.003-07:00

The sunset was beautiful tonight. I took several photographs of it. The sunset had rays of sunshine pushing through the clouds. When I looked at the pictures I took, I saw the American flag waving in the forefront.

Guilt

2009-07-01T22:53:00.003-07:00

You know what the worse thing a person can say to you? That your child needs you, and you have work (whether that be getting medical attention, working or doing volunteering work). It's really depressing to me to hear that day in and day out. "Why don't you pay him more attention?" "Why don't you focus on loving him?" "If you spent a little more time with him, he wouldn't be acting out as much." This is what I hear from most everyone. It makes me more depressed. In fact it makes me feel guilty for not making the same choices they would make, but I know in my own heart of hearts that I want the best for him. Or how about, "I can't replace you as his Mom. You are supposed to be his most stable person in his life." Jesus just hold me close in your arms and let me fade away. I know you will turn my sorrow and grief into joy and moments of truly living. My standard of living is opposite of what someone else would do, and I am not sorry that I have to rely on them to be better than what I was months and years ago. I feel like giving up, but I wouldn't want my son to feel like I was abandoning him...let alone that he was the problem. I don't know what else to say. I feel so disappointed on so many levels I can't begin to understand.

The Price of Sadness = Salvation

2009-06-13T18:54:00.004-07:00

For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience,

leads us away from sin and results in salvation.

~ 2 Corinthians 7:10, NLT

I keep asking myself so many questions. I feel so insecure about who I am in Christ or my lack of remembering who I am. I ask myself questions like: Why do I screw up so much? What is it going to take for me to finally get it? And then I think, there is no way I am going to "get it." It's like that song I have been listening to lately, "why am I crying." I wonder why am I downcast when I have the assurance of knowing Christ as my Savior, and then I come across these two passages above about knowing sorrow's experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation or my weakness made complete in Christ's sacrifice. Is it any easier knowing and living life with a human condition that rather wants and begs to be beaten or punished instead of loved. So, here I am humbled to ponder these things that bring about an eternity with God.

Over a Cup of Tea: Conversation with Myself

2009-06-10T01:19:00.008-07:00

taken from: http://www.burrinja.org.au/arts/Content/jarmbi/content/Recent/recent_exhibitions.htm

There always seems to be something haunting about hearing from someone that had hurt me as a young child throughout and until my early adult years. It's as if he has some way inside of me that triggers me to feel like that little girl unable to beat off a dirty old man on top of me as a child, and then succumb to his strength or abuse of powers because I was still just a child; although, now, I am an adult. I am a thirty-four year old woman, a mother to a beautiful little boy, and a child of God. If I keep the perspective of who I am in Christ, I have to remember to love others as I have been loved, forgive others because I have been forgiven much, and remember to submit my life under God's control.

High standards, huh?

I'd have to counter that thought with, "with God, I can do all things." None of God's promises have ever failed in my life. I have seen miracles happen--miracles like me having a baby when the doctors said my womb would be forever barren and the transformation in my life because I recognized God was that hope that never failed when I was in my darkest of valleys. I used to think hope stemmed from me holding onto glimmers of hope through my having kept the blank stare of my stuffed bunny rabbit named Suzy when my abuser did horrible and unspeakable things to me. I used to think that I was forsaken, and now I know none of those pains I have ever felt have been felt in vain. They are used for the glory I can bring God by telling others about how I can do all things because His Holy Spirit lives within me now.

When times get tough, I pray. I pray until the Spirit breaks down the walls I build up every moment of my day thinking I can do it by my own strength. That for sure, isn't true by any sorts of the means.

I cry at the feet of Jesus in complete and utter shame for feeling like the whore that my childhood abuser made me believe I was by reenacting what he wanted me to see through the porno flicks he showed me to "learn." I feel complete and utter shame still today, especially today, when the childhood abuser contacted me and then his wife called to tell me, yes, me to leave him alone. I feel like where does she get any right to tell me that. Why didn't she tell her husband to not do anything to me as she watched or bought me lingerie to wear for him. She used to tell me, "you are the daughter I never had," and then in the next sentence she'd tell me, "take care of him."

Or else what? That is probably what you are thinking.

Or else I would be physically beaten more, verbally degraded, or have a worse time of just letting him do to me what he wanted.

I was broken down to nothing then. This moment I felt an emptiness inside of me, and, yet, I know that is a false belief because who I am in Christ today. One of my favorite verses is 1 John 4:19, "I love because God first loved me." I may have not recognized His love in my earlier years, but today I can say it's been growing inside of me. Through that love, I have learned to begin loving myself, and have been given into rebirth into a new person because Christ's blood was shed for me and I recognize it.

So, after me having gotten off the trail into many a story, I am coming back to what stemmed from today's contact with my abuser. I was left a message by him stating he was served by the Sheriff the Peace Order for having stalked me and threatened me this past couple months. His wife then called to tell me to leave him alone. It stirred inside of me feelings of anger towards her, and it left me feeling the need to attack her and him for what they did to me. I wanted to tell the likes of them about how they were trusted by my parents to take care of me, not abuse me sexually or physically. I wanted to tell them that they were going to pay for what they did to me. I wanted to tell him that finally he is getting in trouble for what he did. I wanted him to pay for what he did. Then, something stopped me. It was either my conscious or the love I have from God that intervened, and I powered down my phone, sat on the comfiest of couches, and began trying to ground myself. I listened to a song called, "Lord Have Mercy." The song was about needing God to have mercy on a sinner's soul...just like me. I wanted God's mercy at that very moment. I wanted His grace to fall upon me and for God to take the bitterness out of my heart. I was called to give a message of love, and I was going to love myself and them right then and there.

I cried inside. I desired to feel comforted and assured that I was on the right track. I wanted to erase the memories of yesterday, and for me to just unload all that was inside of my head running around...spews of thoughts of anger, bitterness, love, and forgiveness or even the lack of forgiveness.

Last year in October, I had gotten in touch with Oscar (yes, that is the name of my sexual abuser and I am trying to humanize him inside of my thoughts so I will call him by his real first name, as I am comfortable with that much at least). In that twelve minute call, I told him that he had to have known that I had forgiven him because I kept on living. I felt the need to apologize to him for having left when he went to go to work and I fled with help of a friend and daughter plus a cab driver to take me away to a safe location.

The memories flood me now. I remember him coming into where I was working at the time, and him causing a scene in front of customers at the grocery store I had been working at and later was let go because of it. "Why don't you come home, Melissa. Melissa, don't you know I love you," are the trails of sentences he used to try and make me come back. My boss was notified and I was escorted in the back of where I worked to be calmed down and that is where I tried to be heard. However, the days following me having left my workplace were unbearably hard. I was scared he was going to come after me and shoot me. I was afraid and alone. I was no where near my own family. I didn't have true friends, but I still tried to seek help. I went to report what had been happening. They said I would have to do a rape kit and go to a domestic violence shelter. Inside of me emotionally, I felt like a child but on the outside I looked like the twenty-five years old woman having just gotten away from her abuser. I wasn't able to do that then. I did what I could do and right this moment I have to honor myself in trying to survive the best way I knew possible at that moment. I won't go into details of what I did. I did what I could to find my way back home.

This is where forgiveness comes in. I met a man whom seemed to allow me the space to be unattached. He allowed to love me in the way I knew "love" to be. We were trying to have a baby and I couldn't get pregnant. I was struggling at school, and I felt like the doctor I was seeing wasn't actually trying to get me pregnant so I took matters in my own hand. I tried several times a day to make a baby. My lover's father had passed away. Our relation was strained, and I was trying to hold onto any glimmer of hope for a healthy relationship. I found out he was seeking other relationships, and then I found out I was indeed pregnant November 22, 2004. I was happy as can be. I had an inclination I was pregnant, but the doctor said how could I be and it was impossible. I asked her to give me a blood test and check me, and she verified I was indeed pregnant. This was our first ultrasound of the baby.

The little embryo stopped developing, and it had no heartbeat so I later miscarried. I felt complete and utter despair at that moment. I thought how wicked could life be to allow someone who desired to have children take that itty bitty moment of happiness away from me with a blood bath pooled as I miscarried. I wrote the following poem that time.

Miscarriage

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how much pain are you feeling?"
How the Fuck can they think I am worried about me,
Especially since I am losing you?
A raging river of red flowing blood
Streams from my womb onto everything—
The gurney, my clothes, my corpse, and this God forsaken floor.
Screams of sadness and dismay muddles with mumbles,
Of heartache that rack over my broken heart.
I search Daddy's face only to see horror.
Does he know?
Mommy is no longer mommy.
She's left empty. Crying because you are gone.
The lifeblood drains out each ounce of happiness inside of her.
She knows what in reality has happened,
But she refuses to admit.
No doctor, nurse or physician needs to say;
Yet, Mommy still holds onto hope.
Then. Empty sonogram—no baby in sight.
Mommy definitely lost her baby...
Only I am left in sight. Everyone fades back in,
"Can you hear me?" the nurse nervously asks.
"On a scale of 1 to 10 how much pain are you in?"
Silence echoes the walls of her head, no answer.

After miscarrying, I decided to turn my life over to Christ's will. I prayed to God to give my life over to Him, and allow Him to direct my pathway in new view of His love for me. I signed up for a couple mission trips. I felt called to go on the mission field to love other people's children because I couldn't have any on my own. I was broken down but not defeated. When Mother's Day passed, I was relinquishing my desire to have children by my own might. I told Jesus I wanted to have a child. I sought forgiveness. I wasn't complete. Don't get me wrong, but I was trying my best to let my Lord rule over my life.

When I was pregnant, it was the first time in my life that I lived a healthier life. I didn't do anything that could detriment the health of the baby which grew inside of my body. I believed the baby was God sent. I believed the baby was meant to be, and when we had our first ultrasound the baby was thriving. We heard a trolloping heartbeat and saw the baby moving all around. Seeing this, I knew what happened in the miscarriage was tragic because it had never developed a heart. I had a high risk pregnancy, and most of what I did was go to doctor appointments and have home visits from high risk obstetric nurses. My son came into this world January 19, 2006 at 9:16 pm. We were released from the hospital due to some complications several days later, and there it began the journey of feeling the Lord move in and through my life.

This year I felt the Lord telling me to move, and I stepped out on faith to provide my son and I a healthier environment. Here I am not living a lie. I am on my pathway to a healthier state of mind and my son is finally able to say that he is, "so happy." I am getting help for the emotional scars left behind. My son is attending preschool. We're in a lot happier place of my life.

I feel I am finally in God's light, and daily I recognize to surrender my day at some point of the day. I pray the Serenity Prayer and give my Lord lots of things I am thankful for. You can see a change in my person. I am skinnier. I am happier. I am in a better place emotionally. I can say the same for my son. I'm learning to forgive myself and forgive others in my life. I find it tougher to accept forgiveness and kind words for myself, rather than give words of encouragement and forgiveness to others. And, getting back to Oscar, I found it empowering to give him forgiveness, but then when I experienced his and his wife's recent contact I was dismayed.

I felt dismay because if I had truly forgiven him how was it that I still felt a need to be mean or be angry, when I turned over my hurt, sadness, and bitterness I held towards him to God. And, when I had listened to the song, "Lord Have Mercy," I felt like the Spirit was speaking to my soul. I was convicted on how by my own strength I couldn't surrender that hurt and pain I had still felt, and that I wanted to not feel the bitterness and hate growing inside of me. I talked with a friend about what had happened, and she said that I was well on my to reaching my long term and short term goals. I felt good about her encouraging me. I also felt like I was able to release the tension inside of my heart. God blessed me with his mercies right then and there.

I prayed to God and surrendered my life to His control. I asked for forgiveness from God and believe He has done so. Today when I woke up. I read my daily encouraging verse, and it was, "Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude," 1 Peter 3:8 NLT. Now tell me that isn't God trying to speak to me. So, I leave today with an open, tenderhearted heart, and humble attitude. With Christ's love, I can do all things.

Without His Grace

2009-06-01T01:39:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I see images of what and who I used to be before I turned my life over to Christ. It scares me to look back. I see how His love has transformed me, and it is so hard to forget or let go of who I am. I praise God that He doesn't hold grudges or holds His love conditional. The lyrics that ring in my head when I had written the statement were the ones, "where would I be if His love didn't save. You are everything I've hoped for..."

Last night when I was getting some help, I used the opportunity to spread a message of God's love. I prayed over those would were working and those who were afflicted with some form of illness. I am not trying to brag or boast, but am just trying to write that in my time of need God gave me an opportunity to be His hands and feet.

I love being God's hands and feet.

There are so many people hurting in this world. It breaks my heart. Even with my own issues, I feel blessed to have a sense of knowing who I am in Christ and how the Holy Spirit works within me to give me strength and convict my heart of wrongdoing. I think of how I see the world around me, as people who are normal and have life altogether," and then on the other hand I see myself as someone who doesn't have it together and needs help. I give my life and issues to Him, and I know He will bless me eternally in the long run. I can praise His glorious name in spite of whatever I am going through because I know He has not foresaken me. He remembers me because my name is carved in the palm of His hands.

So, tonight, I want to leave this post as is, and post the lyrics to Casting Crowns, "East to West."

"East To West"

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

A Blessed Hope

2009-05-28T03:53:00.003-07:00

There has been something inside of my heart that has changed, and I think the word for it is called a Blessed Hope. I used to listen to song lyrics like Chris Tomlin's "I Will Rise" and Tenth Avenue North's song "By Your Side" and believe it was God beckoning me to come home. After much discernment and few bouts of suicidal idealizations, I found strength to continue because God didn't beckon me home and I kept on breathing. I don't want to sound bitter. I want to sound of hope. I found strength and comfort in knowing Jesus knows my pain. I have yearned more than any time in my life to live and take life for what it is. In this journey, I have found a hope that last eternally and a candlelight that never flickers. I keep thinking of Psalm 121. I think of how it keeps me in perspective of who I am in Christ. And how, it is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives within me as I die to myself and allow His Holy Spirit to work within me. I've come down a long hard pathway using a bulldozer at times to not be defeated by that silent enemy called satan who wishes nothing but to cause a person like you and me misery. I've not reached my destination either. I am still taking life for what it is, and remembering the words I pray in the Serenity Prayer to hold a ton of truth. In it, I find a way to accept, to be of courage and good cheer, and to know the ways of my Lord and Savior as I allow Him to Lord over all aspects of my life. Its been hard work, but it isn't by any might of my own strength but of God. All glory to Him for He is a Living Savior.

By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
[x2]

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

Proverbs 4:18---The Light of Dawn

2009-05-17T03:26:00.003-07:00

Each morning when I arise from night's slumber, I want and yearn to feel connected with my Lord and Savior. I at times push Him away, and get so caught up in what I have to do that I forget what it is like to spend quiet time with Him. Each morning his mercies are fresh and brand new. He doesn't hold a grudge against me nor does my Savior stop loving me. The moments I live are filled with opportunities to see, learn, feel, and know my Savior. I can be either the tenderhearted person wishing someone a good morning or see the woman, child, and man who is suffering inside but in the outside everything looks hunky dory. My heart's desire is to know who God is, and how He loved you and I so much that He sacrificed the love of His Son for every person alive. Lately, I am hearing God speak to me, but have I even taken a moment to do what I feel the Spirit is leading me? Nope. Honestly, no. I start cussing up a storm and just rather be beaten for my sins, instead of confessing to Him that I don't deserve His love whatsoever. Then, in the moment I feel so far away, I hear on the radio, "everyone needs compassion, a little understanding...Savior He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save. He is mighty to save. Forever Author of salvation, Jesus conquered the grave," and I am just left in complete utter awe that He would love someone like me. I think about Pastor Byerly preaching a God-delivered message about the duality of human nature to sin, and it is in the very nature we've been created in that battles the same struggle Adam and Eve struggled with having freedom of choice. Their sin created within the rest of humanity a struggle mentally, emotionally, and physically to do the will of God rather than be self-indulgent but self-sacrificing in nature like Jesus upon the cross at Calvary. No matter what the day brings to me, I realize, I am blessed with the hurts and pains and struggles because somehow I believe it is an opportunity to grow in Christ's love and become more like Him. And, as Proverbs 4:18 states, "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day." If I make that pathway leading straight to the eyes of my Savior, I will then begin to comprehend that it isn't any of my own might or power I can overcome or do, but it is His love and Spirit inside of me that carries me through tumultuous times and even the happiest of moments lived. To lose this, would be considered, in my eyes, self-inflicted death with a motive, purpose, and ending. I never want to get there. So, Jesus, bring me anything that brings You for I know You will be glorified because It is not of my will but only Yours that allows me the chance to love and live without fear or pain. I give my love to each and every one of you and though I may never know you face to face I wish for you the peace that is everlasting and a love that is beyond any condition we may put for ourselves or on others. Good night.

A Quiet Mother's Day

2009-05-11T01:00:00.002-07:00

It was not a shocker to have missed going to church this morning, as we did not go to bed until way late in the wee morning hours because my family was watching a live broadcast of sumo. I woke up around 11am. Tien was all ready to go anywhere but stay at home. He was antsy. I ended up going to the ice rink for my nephew, and then came home after that and a trip to lovely a grocery store. I wish I woke up and went to church. I miss going consistently. I feel out of the loop, unstructured, yearning for more, and miles away from being in God's light and love. To top off everything, I have hot flashes.

Click.

2009-05-06T05:35:00.002-07:00

That's how the phone conversation ended last night. I sat there silently thinking and wondering in my own disappointment, "why this," or "why that" and have been up since I hung up the phone to the one I thought I would share the rest of my life with and build a family out of the love God created in me.

Instead of click, I wanted to hear, "Melissa I love you. I love Tien-Tien. I have made a way for you to come back into my life, and I am going to honor you as you ought to have been."

CLICK.

Double CLICK CLICK.

Lord, I don't want to be bitter, but the love inside of me has been dried up by a river of salty tears.

I keep telling myself, "be thankful for what I have, and not for what I don't."

I still can't let things go. I hurt too much. I want to hear him tell me he loves me and desires to spend an eternity with me. I want our house to be a home. I want to feel his arms wrapped up around me and just rest in them.

Reality really hurts a broken heart.

A Savior can forgive but can a broken heart and broken dreams ever be repaired?

Did You Ever Feel The Spirit Move within?

2009-04-27T00:58:00.003-07:00

As I lay here and write this post, I am thankful for the Holy Spirit convicting me of my sins. In light, there is no darkness. I came home from worshipping my Lord, and I felt truly blessed to have them as my new church family. I know God has led me there to FHBC, Its like God is affirming all of my devotionals by Him backing up what is given through the message Pastor T gives. I am just like, "see that!" I come expectant of seeing and feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit move in and through each one of us in attendance, and the thought that as I look around the church there are many of my sisters and brothers for an eternity. To me, that just amazes me. Then I hear the pastor speak with authority of the Word of God and not be ashamed to say what he feels led to say, even those difficult things no pastor wants to address but yet pastor T still does. The message today was from Ephesians 6. It talked about the identity of the real enemy, and how the devil uses people, powers, and principalities to try and make us feel brokenhearted or defeated. Yet we should always be remindful that the day Jesus pain the price of all of our sins, the devil or any if his adversaries have no power over us in Christ Jesus' blood. Its only when satan catches us off guard today, like me, and uses my mouth to speak some really nasty things to a someone. I didn't feel remorseful at all or the need to repent when it first happened, but when I acknowledged how my actions ruined my testimony for Jesus I realized that it hurt my witness of who Jesus is and how His love transforms people livesinto something far greater than ever.

Ways God Is Using in My Life

2009-04-26T06:02:00.004-07:00

Recently, I started doing a program online called MoodGYM. Its a cognitive behavioral therapy program to increase self-esteem by doing a series of work alongside surveys and a little but of journaling. I am finding MoodGYM to be helpful in pointing out areas in my thinking and reactions to others that are what they title "warped thinking." Warped thinking is the all or nothing belief, overgeneralization, mental filter, disqualifying the positive, jumping to conclusions, magnification or minimization, emotional reasoning, should statements, labeling and mislabeling, and, last of all, personalization.MoodGYM says, "the only way it knows to improve your self esteem is for you to believe in yourself. The judgment of others might lift you briefly, but it's really your own judgment of yourself that's important." It made me think of the Prayer for Serenity.

Prayer for Serenity

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it;
Trusting that You will make all things right
If I surrender to Your will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You
Forever in the next.
AMEN.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

The part that stuck out to me the most was being in that mindful state that I can only change my person not someone else, hence be more accountable for my actions. If I am to love as Christ loved, then I ought to love others unconditionally in spite of what they do to me...even if that means afar for the time being. I have to honor them as Christ honors me each and every single day of my life after having paid for all of my sins and then some. My love should be contingent on whether or not a person does something for me or whether or not that person ought to be forgiving. I have to take this world as Jesus did and not as I would have it, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, and humbling myself to surrender my will for God's will for things in my life--even in the moments I feel I am justified to have this or that or deserve that much more. I am ultimately responsible for who I am in Christ. I am accountable for those persons God has blessed me with having, good and bad, and showing how God's love transformed my life and allowed me to live with a sense of peace, happiness, and rested assurance in my heavenly rewards rather those "rewards" here on earth. I am tired of worrying about what I do affecting others, and making myself personally responsible for their actions. Their response to who I am, my need to protect my son, or even my need to give myself and my son a healthy environment to live in isn't contingent on what they feel. It is contingent on the direction I have prayed over to my Lord and Savior. As a servant to the King of Most High, I am a witness of Christ's love for me, how His love transformed my life, and how in this moment I can share it with others for the glory of God....not mine. Oswald Chambers (the man who wrote, "His Utmost for His Highest.") said, “No man is the same after an agony; he is either better or worse, and the agony of a man’s experience is nearly always the first thing that opens his mind to understand the need of redemption worked out by Jesus Christ. At the back of the wall of the world stands God with His arms outstretched, and every man driven there is driven into the arms of God. The cross of Jesus is the supreme evidence of the love of God.” Living these moments I am blessed with is about sharing those moments I continually being driven back into the arms of God, and Him embracing me wholeheartedly because He desire a personal relationship for me with Him. So, praise God for shining His light in those dark areas of my light when I thought or believed no one saw or cared enough. He cares enough. He loves me so much. He desires good in my life, but this comes at a price of surrendering my will for Him, and then remembering that in the point of view of eternity how does this one moment I experience change God's favor for me. So, from a healthier spiritual spot in my life to you, I wish you a moment filled with peace, love, and happiness; instead of, the anxiety over what will happen later on tomorrow or even what hardship you might be experiencing today. God bless each and every one of you, and may the love of Christ Jesus shine down on you.

In the Spirit of Jesus' Love for All,
Melissa

2009-04-25T22:00:00.001-07:00

Oswald Chambers (the man who wrote, "His Utmost for His Highest.") said, “No man is the same after an agony; he is either better or worse, and the agony of a man’s experience is nearly always the first thing that opens his mind to understand the need of redemption worked out by Jesus Christ. At the back of the wall of the world stands God with His arms outstretched, and every man driven there is driven into the arms of God. The cross of Jesus is the supreme evidence of the love of God.”

Controlled by the Spirit

2009-04-20T00:42:00.005-07:00

Tongue of Fire

I woke up this morning with an urgency to worship the Lord. I got showered, did my hair, put on makeup, and woke my sister up. We went to FHBC and I knew God led me there today. My sister and I dropped my son and nephew off at their classroom for Sunday School and worship, and then I decided to go my separate way into a different Bible study than my sister. In Sunday School, most every thing I've been posting on here at Blogger was being spoken of and great conversation happened. I couldn't help but think about the women who sat all around the square shaped conference tables from me. Each one of these women were unique, an image of God, and unashamed to speak of the truth they knew in their walk alongside Christ Jesus. I liked that. I felt the Spirit there in that room. I learned about the 50 days after Pentacost. I learned about the burning bush, the tongue of fire, and about the reasons why people of Jewish faith practice certain holidays during the times before and after Christ's crucifixion. Sunday School was awesome to say the least. I went to main worship, and just was led by the Spirit to shed cleansing tears and sing out praises to my Lord and Savior. I heard testimony speak to me, imagery of Jesus' second coming, and a church that are the legs, arms and hands of Jesus here on earth right here and now. I also felt God speak to my heart about my wishing He'd beckon me home sooner than later, and felt like He was telling me it is okay to be forward looking but if I forget what opportunities God presents me here and now that becomes a sin and the lost souls' blood stained on my hands. It was deep. I also heard God speak to my heart about taking accountability in my life for the things I can change and do in spite of who or what is happening around me. It was like God was speaking directly to me. My heart and soul shed tears stored up in my heart of hearts, and Jesus just took me under His wings of mercy and I humbled myself to surrender my life, my will, my heart and soul to be His servant, controlled by His loving Spirit. I couldn't hold the flood of tears that poured out of my eyes. I stood there. The pastor, his wife, and another woman prayed over me as I felt God's mercy fall down on me, and then I was introduced along with another couple to my new church family. I was moved beyond words. So as it says in the Bible, "His mercies are fresh every new morning," "let tomorrow worry about itself," "I love because God first loved me," and "it is I who have been crucified in Christ and I no longer live but He who lives in me," I commit myself to doing His will, being the Mom I need to be for Tien, the daughter to my parents, the sibling I am to my sisters and brothers, the friend, the witness of what God has done in my life, and the person I need to be for those people in my life whom God has placed in my life. So as I close up for tonight, I wanted to share with you a couple prayer requests, concerns, thoughts, and scriptures God has placed on my heart.

I would like to share a prayer request over a young mother and three daughters I had the pleasure of meeting. Their names are Sorocco, Priscilla, Sammi, and Lillian. May they be in good health, good spirits, and lifted up.

I am concerned over finding a way to keep God first in my life and, yet, be forever mindful the love God has given to me is to share and be a witness for what He has done in my life.

I was thinking of creating a sanctuary in our new home for just my son and I. I was hoping to make it ours. I want it to be a place I can worship the Lord, seek His comfort, raise my son, and love without fear of what it means to carry the cross God requires me to wear. Can you pray for me that I keep God the focus of our new home and not the things or stuff we can put in it? I'd appreciate that.

The scriptures that has been laid on my heart come from Psalms. The first one reads, "Let me hear of your unfailing love in the morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I have come to you in prayer." Psalm 143:8 NLT and Psalm 139:23-24, " Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts;And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way."

Lord, whatever You require I am ready. I will seek out each opportunity you wll give to me, and hopefully I will glorify You in the outcomes of sharing how Your love transforms my life over and over again. There is so much to be thankful for. And, Lord, You know that which is on my heart. Forgive me of those sins I will confess to you, and help me learn to forgive myself. I love you Lord. Your portion is sufficient enough for me. Continue to shed Your light, so that I may follow that pathway straight into your arms and see the love in Your eyes face to face. Amen.

My Reaction to Joe Stowell's Post on Strength for the Journey

2009-04-18T11:43:00.004-07:00

The Sign of the Burning Bush Means I Am Ready for Whatever God May Bring My Way,"Here I am Lord, use me in whichever way you need me this day. This is my heart of hearts cry today.

YOUR JOURNEY…

Have you ever withheld kindness from someone? What happened? Is that really the way you want your life to be? To be frankly honest, yes, I have withheld kindness from someone, someone I really love. I've withheld Christ's love inside of me to myself, strangers, people whom are my family (eternal and those who are lost), and to different races because I feared something, wanted them to feel the paint they inflicted, or even because I didn't want/desire to get involved. You know what happened when I did that? Those people didn't feel the love of Jesus coming from within me...the same love I was born out of in God's need for me here on earth. Yeah, I have had some traumatic situations to have grown, but those things give me a special and unique privilege with unique populations of people who are left unseen, unheard, or even at times invisible because society doesn't want to see them. In my heart of hearts this morning, this is not what I want my life to be like. I want to surrender my hardened heart and come humbly before Christ's pierced feet to say, "Yes, Lord, My Savior, here I am. I want to do your will. Show your love you've given unto me unconditionally, so that someone, anyone, could feel the love that came from God's sacrificial love of You to me and everyone here on earth and beyond. I want to to see You glorified in my life Lord, and for others not to see me but see You. This is my heart's cry. As Your servant, I am here and ready to run the race before me. In Your loving kindness and tenderhearted ways, Melissa."
Perform an experiment. Commit one act of kindness each day for a week. In your journal, record each act. What was the outcome? How do you think it made the other person feel? "Lord I commit to you to do this experiment, so that I may get a glimpse of Your love shining through me unto others. May only You be glorified and not my selfish pride be boosted."
Pray and ask the Lord to show you a person in your life who needs your kindness. Follow up by reaching out to that person. "Adonai, You've placed on my heart many a people on my heart of hearts all ready, especially one in particular. Let my selfish ways go aside and You be lifted up. Let Your love shine through me and touch that person's heart, so he may feel the love You've given unto me for him. Soften my heart of hearts so that I can be a better servant to You, my Lord and Savior, and let Your Holy Spirit work in and through me. I commit myself to building Your kingdom and providing those tender acts of kindness and love to others...even when they have hurt me because for I been forgiven and know that my prize awaits me in heaven when You finally decide my work here on earth is over. Let my life not be cut short because the pain gets too much to bear, and let the Holy Spirit and me carry the cross You've given me to wear so that I can one day join you in heaven. Amen."

Inspired by Strength for the Journey by Joe Stowell

2009-04-18T11:42:00.001-07:00

The Case of Kindness

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:2

A story I heard in the news a few years ago caught my attention. It was about an 85-year-old man who used to eat breakfast in a Kroger supermarket every morning. He was bossy, very particular, and even remarked that the female employees could stand to lose weight. A few weeks after the old man died of cancer, several of the shocked clerks received checks for $10,000 from his estate. Why? Even when the old man had been cranky and insulting, the staff waiting on him had treated him pleasantly and tried to cheer him up with a little tender care! They even went beyond the call of duty by taking turns to visit him in the hospital! Clearly, none of them expected anything in return.

There’s a word for what the Kroger staff extended to him—kindness. What a refreshing story in a world where kindness has become a lost commodity. But if you are a follower of Jesus, then kindness has to be what you dish out on a regular basis. After all, Paul wrote, “Be kind to one to another, tenderhearted” (Ephesians 4:32 ESV). And, it needs to be noted, kindness makes the list as a fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22. Kindness is about thinking of others and extending our love and resources to meet their needs and concerns.

But, in case you’re thinking, Right, but what about me? Proverbs 11:17 offers a fascinating twist on kindness. It says, “A kind man benefits himself”—which means that there is something in kindness for you!

Treating people with kindness keeps our hearts and attitudes running in the right direction. If we’re not careful, we can easily fall prey to selfishness and indifference in our dealings with people. Planning to be kind gets you out of the what will they do for me world and gets your heart in tune with what can I do for them? Intentional acts of kindness train our hearts to be loving and helpful, which is really a big benefit!

Acts of kindness to friends, spouses, and our children bless us with the privilege of better friendships and more fulfilling relationships. And, most importantly, kindness will make you a lot like Jesus, who was kind to you all the way to His death! Believe me, becoming like Jesus is a huge return on the investment.

Before you get concerned that you don’t have time to be kind, remember that kindness doesn’t always have to be a major event. It doesn’t take a lot of time to hold the door open for the mom with her arms full, or to smile at a senior citizen as you pass by on the sidewalk. Even if you only see the donut guy for 60 seconds each morning, if it’s your intention to bless him with an encouraging word or two or even a tip in the jar, he’ll remember you as friendly and generous. Maybe he’ll sense that you are different from his other customers and may even want to know what it is that makes you different—a wide open door to let him know that Jesus taught you to be kind!

And if you object because no one is ever kind to you, keep in mind that it may just be that they have never been blessed by you being kind to them! When you are kind, people usually look for ways to return the favor. It’s the boomerang effect. As Jesus taught, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matthew 7:12).

Be kind, and watch the blessings flow!

Taking Up My Cross

2009-04-18T02:47:00.002-07:00

There have been times both present and future where I fail to remember that God requires of me a moment by moment reminder to take up my cross—do what He requires of me for His glory and kingdom. Philippians 3:14 states that, “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” I believe what the Holy Spirit has laid upon my heart is that in spite of my circumstances I should press on toward the goal of an eternity spent with Him, and what God requires of me to do is to “take up my cross” and follow him. This means the circumstance I live in and through today must be laid before Jesus’ feet, humbly, in order for me to follow Christ with the message He has given to me to share.

This message are for those people who are hurting like I am, believing they are unseen, or feeling the effects of having been isolated in your world around bunches of people so busy to notice or maybe care to put their hand out and reach out to say, “God loves you and He does not forsake you, even if you feel like He has.” There was a time in my life when I was a young teenager and I had just accepted the Lord as my Savior, and I thought now that Christ became Lord over my life He would protect me from being sexually abused. I felt God had abandoned me in those days. Now that my faith has allowed me to spiritually grow, I believe it alludes to the passage in Deuteronomy 1:29-31 where it states something like, “like as a father carries a son, the Lord your God has carried you.” It was in those moments when I was unseen and unheard and felt unloved that God loved me, cared about me, and allowed me to survive when all I wanted was to die. I love the Bible verse 1 John 4:19, “I love because God first loved me.” To me, 1 John 4:19 means that born out of the spirit of God’s love and need for me in His kingdom here on earth, my parents were the ones chosen to birth me and raise me to at least know of God and be the person who God always seen me as, a child of His…fully dependent on Him. Man will always fail me. There will be times in my life I have been able to build a trust and bond between my sisters and brothers in Christ and a few who are not. I offer the love the Lord has given unto me to all of those who come my way and reach my hand out to those who are hurting right here and now, at least it my heart’s desire to and I still heavenly bound blurred vision cause of my own circumstance I live here and now. I feel brokenhearted at times but not defeated.

I feel blessed to even feel the hurt inside of me because there is nothing except the utmost deadliest sin, suicide, which would change my favor in God’s eyes. Why? I believe suicide is me disallowing the Holy Spirit work through and in me, and with the Holy Spirit doing that any longer then I have done the deadliest and most unforgivable sin. I know it says it the Bible somewhere not to rely on your own understanding, but this message has been heavy on my heart as I have gone through some really trying times. So, as I end this post, I want to wish you a glimpse of His love from me. I wish you well. I wish you peace. I wish you comfort, but most of all I wish you comfort from the Lord.
There have been times both present and future where I fail to remember that God requires of me a moment by moment reminder to take up my cross—do what He requires of me for His glory and kingdom. Philippians 3:14 states that, “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

I believe what the Holy Spirit has laid upon my heart is that in spite of my circumstances I should press on toward the goal of an eternity spent with Him, and what God requires of me to do is to “take up my cross” and follow him. This means the circumstance I live in and through today must be laid before Jesus’ feet, humbly, in order for me to follow Christ with the message He has given to me to share.

This message are for those people who are hurting like I am, believing they are unseen, or feeling the effects of having been isolated in your world around bunches of people so busy to notice or maybe care to put their hand out and reach out to say, “God loves you and He does not forsake you, even if you feel like He has.”

There was a time in my life when I was a young teenager and I had just accepted the Lord as my Savior, and I thought now that Christ became Lord over my life He would protect me from being sexually abused. I felt God had abandoned me in those days. Now that my faith has allowed me to spiritually grow, I believe it alludes to the passage in Deuteronomy 1:29-31 where it states something like, “like as a father carries a son, the Lord your God has carried you.” It was in those moments when I was unseen and unheard and felt unloved that God loved me, cared about me, and allowed me to survive when all I wanted was to die. I love the Bible verse 1 John 4:19, “I love because God first loved me.” To me, 1 John 4:19 means that born out of the spirit of God’s love and need for me in His kingdom here on earth, my parents were the ones chosen to birth me and raise me to at least know of God and be the person who God always seen me as, a child of His…fully dependent on Him. Man will always fail me. There will be times in my life I have been able to build a trust and bond between my sisters and brothers in Christ and a few who are not. I offer the love the Lord has given unto me to all of those who come my way and reach my hand out to those who are hurting right here and now, at least it my heart’s desire to and I still heavenly bound blurred vision cause of my own circumstance I live here and now. I feel brokenhearted at times but not defeated.

I feel blessed to even feel the hurt inside of me because there is nothing except the utmost deadliest sin, suicide, which would change my favor in God’s eyes. Why? I believe suicide is me disallowing the Holy Spirit work through and in me, and with the Holy Spirit doing that any longer then I have done the deadliest and most unforgivable sin. I know it says it the Bible somewhere not to rely on your own understanding, but this message has been heavy on my heart as I have gone through some really trying times. So, as I end this post, I want to wish you a glimpse of His love from me. I wish you well. I wish you peace. I wish you comfort, but most of all I wish you comfort from the Lord.

Sin and Grief

2009-04-02T13:40:00.005-07:00

"Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Luke 12:32-34).

There are sometimes in life when you fail your loved ones and cause them grief for whatever you may have done to them. Last night I caused my sister and nephew pain, and it what I realized right now is that I also caused my Lord and Savior grief when I hurt them.

This grieves me so very much knowing this and accepting what I did as a sin not only against my sister and nephew but God, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Biblical Steps for Forgiveness

1. Clearly identify what offenses of mine need to be forgiven.
We are great at identifying the faults of others but poor in discovering our own. We need to discover the how we have offended God and hurt others. David said in Psalm 51:3, "For I know my transgressions."

More than often we have some fault of spirit (attitude) or lack of concern for others. We need to ask God to help us identify these problems. God in Jeremiah 17:9 says,

"The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?"

Like David in Psalm 139:23-24, we need to plead for Him to search our own actions and attitudes.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

Key point >> Discover your faults from your life. We can pretty much trust God to care for others who have hurt us.

2. Acknowledge their hurt and pain. Be specific.
There are at least three areas of pain. Each is difficult to honestly recognize. We have such a difficult time opening up ourselves to see what pain we have suffered as well as empathizing with others in the pain that we or others might have inflicted them with.

God is grieved. As imperfect creatures you, I, and others have offended Him. We have despised His rules so we could choose to do what we desired. Sin is transgressing God's law even if we are ignorant of it. "Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness" (1 John 3:4). His laws are best for us, but we think our way is best.

We have hurt the other person. As mentioned above it is difficult to think of our own wrong doings. But it is equally difficult to think of their pain. We are more intent on getting revenge than trying to understand what deep hurts are inside those who have hurt us. These deep emotional scars have contributed to their aggressive behavior that pained you and probably others.

We are hurt. Someone has deeply hurt us. We often pride ourselves in being able to handle things, but our wounds in fact reveal our inability on our own to handle the situation. Someone's words have hurt us. Written words whether in emails or letters have upset us. Add these things to the many other wrong things that have been done. If we are not forbearing and forgiving, we will soon get bitter and angry.

Key point >> You need to address each offended party and tell them the grievance you have done and how it probably hurt them emotionally. This includes an honest conversation with yourself on how you were offended by what you thought someone did.

Please keep me in your prayers....

Melissa

Jesus has the power to cleanse, forgive, and restore

2009-03-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

As I read Mark 1:40-45, I imagine the following scene:

They saw him coming toward them from across the way. He was waving his arms to warn them away. They recognized him by the bandanna covering his nose and mouth. His garments were torn and his skin peeled away from his body. He was a leper—unclean!

The crowd around Jesus scattered as the leper charged into their midst. Everyone was afraid of being touched by him because they themselves would then become unclean. Lepers were barred from the religious life of the community, isolated from society, and compelled to mourn their own death by tearing their clothes.

But this leper threw himself at Jesus’ feet, appealing to Him out of desperation and faith to restore him to wholeness: “If You are willing, You can make me clean” (v.40). Moved with compassion, Jesus touched the man and said, “I am willing; be cleansed” (v.41). Jesus healed the man of his leprosy and told him to show himself to the temple priest.

Jesus has the power to cleanse, forgive, and restore those who are hopelessly and helplessly caught up in their sin and can see no way out. Trust Him to say to you, “I am willing; be cleansed.” — Marvin Williams

Eighteen Days Blogging and Journaling about My Weightloss

2009-03-25T02:43:00.002-07:00

So, today marks my 18th day on extrapounds.com website to journal what I eat, how I exercise, keeping track of my weight loss and measurements. I am doing pretty good so far. I lost a little under 11" all around. Woo Hoo for me! Praise God for this!!!! I also have lost 10 lbs too. I think I am doing pretty good. I have a new jogging stroller my son loves to be in. It is easy to maneuver and walk/jog (wog). Another good thing about the stroller is that my son can fit it well, and it is very sturdy. Something funny happened with the stroller tonight. I was bringing in groceries and was using the stroller to bring the groceries inside the house, and I went to go grab a couple more bags and then WHAM the stroller took off down the steep driveway. I started to go after it, but stopped as I realized I wasn't going to catch up to it. Michele, my younger sister, ran after it. I busted out laughing when it was happening. I THANK GOD for Tien having all ready gone into the house and was not sitting down in the stroller as it flew down the drive way at mach speed. It was crazy funny stuff. Well, it is 3am and I am tired. I need to take my medicine, too, so I can fall asleep and what not. Good Y'all!

Fallen Star

2009-03-18T02:15:00.003-07:00

Unbreakable Heart

An empty house
A broken fairy tale
A hollow girl with empty arms
From an angel's tears
God made the stars
Why can't he make me an unbreakable heart
In my blue world
You shone like heaven's fire
And left me cryin' in the dark
How could anyone
Be so hard
Did you think I had
An unbreakable heart
I suppose
I should know
Sometimes love just comes and goes
But I believed, foolish me
We'd go on and on
One day someone will come to you
And rock you tightly in her arms
Please remember this when you drop your guard
Nobody has an unbreakable heart
From an angel's wings to a fallen star
God makes everything
But unbreakable hearts

Calling on the Presence of My Lord

2009-03-16T01:46:00.003-07:00

One thing I am seeking throughout my day is to have God be present with me at all times. Yes, I know He is there, but do I know at all times? Let my thoughts me on Him rather than on myself and my need to self-indulge of this world. There I will find comfort, grace, mercy, and everlasting love.

Day Five of My Weight Loss Journey

2009-03-15T02:29:00.003-07:00

I begun five days ago with a program called the Lord's Table from a site called Setting Captives Free, and then I made a a diet blog on extrapounds.com to catalog my measurements, journal my food and exercise, and blog with others who are trying to improve their health. Slowly but surely I am trying to make my way in my new life here. I am seeing remarked improvements from Tien and myself. Tien seems so much happier. He seems to really enjoy being around his cousin Brandon. I feel less stressed about the living situation I was in. I am at peace and know God is in control with how things work out. May all the glory be given to God for these new opportunities. Well, it is late at night, and I want to write something else in my own journal. Good night.

Softness

2009-03-08T07:08:00.003-07:00

I came across this photo for the desktop background on some site. I forget which, but what I love about it is the softness I see. I honestly love bunny rabbits. You may have read previous posts about me and my love of my stuffed rabbit Suzy-gwa. There is something about this bunny that embodies the softness of my spirit. There is a tenderness and meekness about it that draws me into wanting to run to the pasture or some pet store and find me a bunny rabbit to keep, and then on the other hand there is a desire just to admire it visually in pictures because every bunny needs some bunny else. ahaha So, I start my Sunday morning off with an image from God and a song on myheart, May the love of God continue to shine down upon you.

He Woke Me Up

2009-03-07T03:03:00.004-07:00

Today was a day that ran a gamut of emotions from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows to the greatest of frustrations for me, and somehow God seemed to throw in happy moments to make things much more enduring than in first light. I saw and believed the chains of yesterday lifted from me. I heard cries out to Him when I sat and reflected back at where I was and where I am now. I felt a song and praise rise up and out of my lungs for what He did at Calvary. I thought of things I began to worry about and the desire to give all my worries, concerns and hurts up to His will and care. I saw the fullness of day. I felt well with my soul. I realized no matter how I felt about myself I still had a Father in heaven who loves me nonetheless and wishes only good for my life. I understood that in times of great trial and suffering I had so much to be thankful for and what I feel is only temporary in the light of eternity with my Savior, and if life meant that it had to be difficult to glorify God in some way shape or form for reasons unbeknown to me I was and am willing to do whatever God requires for my life in this moment I live. The message I received was that God was there in the beginning and when all things end He will still be there reigning from heaven and earth. He overcame the world all ready, and I need to take heart in knowing this and believing it with all of my heart. As Paul and Silas whose chains were lifted, the woman with the bleeding issue cured and the blind man able to see I need to walk in faith, child-like faith, trusting that in all things God has plans for me to prosper and not for evil. I need to trust Him because there is no one in this world here on earth I can trust any better than my Father, Lord and Savior in heaven. And in the times I can no longer think of going on, I have to trust that the Holy Spirit resides in me and is willing to be the gasp of breath I need, the step forward in the wilderness, and the Encourager of me giving God all the glory when I face trials or take hold of promises He has given to me. So what I leave this blog post with is a heart encouraged to keep moving on despite all the uncertainties in my life right now, and as a woman rededicating her heart to God's will and care. My hope is to plant many seeds of love in those around me where so many have not heard of the One who can deliver them from a world of oppression and suffering without any glimmer of hope. Praise be to God who is unblemished by human circumstance.

Something to Make

2009-03-06T02:34:00.004-07:00

I would love to make something like this for our new home. My sister is crafty and the children can help with it. I think it will be the first thing I would want to hae down. It will be a astatement and a hald for al to see and freely know about. Well, I am tired and I need to use the potty. (sorry, tmi) Night.

Taking in the Moments

2009-03-05T17:40:00.003-07:00

I've got nothing to say at the moment, but I did come across this picture of a white water lily and wanted to share it. Lillies are my favorite.

Prized Possessions

2009-03-04T08:44:00.003-07:00

James 1

Greetings from James
1 This letter is from James, a slave of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ.
I am writing to the "twelve tribes"—Jewish believers scattered abroad.
Greetings!

Faith and Endurance
2 Dear brothers and sisters,* when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.
9 Believers who are* poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them.10 And those who are rich should boast that God has humbled them. They will fade away like a little flower in the field.11 The hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all of their achievements.
12 God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.13 And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, "God is tempting me." God is never tempted to do wrong,* and he never tempts anyone else.14 Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away.15 These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.
16 So don't be misled, my dear brothers and sisters.17 Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens.* He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.*18 He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession.*

Embracing Moments

2009-03-03T04:22:00.003-07:00

Today was a rough day for me. I talked to my mother in Okinawa, and she was explaining how heartbroken she feels over the loss of her mother and how her family has expressed their grief. It caused me great sadness to hear the pain in her voice, the sobs of pain released, and ways she could express to me the heartbreaks. I feel great sympathy for her. I feel so many things at this moment. I am thankful that God is Lord of all. This is my favorite song my Mom and I used to sing.

In Tough Time Always Remember to Be Thankful

2009-02-21T01:51:00.003-07:00

Its amazing to wake up and see how God has given us the ability to view the glories given to us each morning. No matter how tough my day begins or end, I always want to praise Him for having always loved me enough to give me the chance to live the moments He has blessed me with.

Praise Be to God

2009-02-15T04:14:00.003-07:00

These couple weeks have been quite tumultuous and scary, but the one thing that I have relied upon is that God has eyes that are unblemished by human circumstance. My God places people for a purpose. You might think you are there for one reason, but when the pages of life are turned you see God's hands in everything. He has plans for us and desires only good. I praise the Holy Spirit in guiding me far away from home to be here with my immediate family during the loss of my maternal grandmother. I am here with a renewed outlook on who my father is to me, and feel grateful for God opening my eyes to having given me the parents He had given me because He chose the right ones for me. I might not have believed this growing up or even weeks ago, but this moment I do and nothing can change the way I feel about my parents and siblings even my David and son Tien. My heart breaks hearing Tien cry for his father, but God is showing me how to be patient and kind and loving to my son to encourage and give him a place to seek comfort when he needs his Mommy's lovin' to cheer him up. I praise God for giving me this opportunity to do what He requires of my walk in this life, and I am eternally grateful more and more as each moment passes.

A Lesson Understood and Doing What God Requires

2009-02-01T17:05:00.004-07:00

Maya Angelou wrote a book called I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. It is a personal memoir of her life experiences, but it echoes of my life journey in finding reasons to sing when satan would like for me to believe I have no reasons to do so. I praise Jesus for the desire to sing.

In his Epistle to the church, James makes an interesting statement. Clearly he understood the propensity of we humans to desire knowledge for knowledge sake, without any intention of applying the knowledge to our lives. James 1: 23-24 says… “For if anyone is a hearer of the word
and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself,
goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was.” I don't know about you, but I have been doing a self-examination of my reflection. For a while there I was lost. I couldn't tell you who I was without worrying what effect my actions or reactions would cause someone else, and, thereby, change what I wanted out of fear of causing some sort of conflict. I know everyone else struggles on some level with this, but to me I am going to lay this out in the open and just be honest with who I am and where God has led me.

My story is about finding my voice, seeing my reflection, knowing who I am, and singing because I know why the caged bird sings. She sings because God has placed within her a grateful heart that just wants to sing His praises. She sings because God is good. She sings because she has cleared a pathway to Him, and she chooses to no longer to live in darkness but in the light of His love.

I'm not looking back but am going to put my best foot forward and keep on movin' on. Praise be to Jesus for answered prayers, thankful hearts, reasons to sing and live, and peace inside of my heart.

A Poem That Touches Me

2009-01-27T20:31:00.004-07:00

The Rainy Day

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

~~H.W. Longfellow~~

Washington, DC - Experience A Grand New Day at Women of Faith

2009-01-23T03:59:00.001-07:00

Washington, DC - Experience A Grand New Day at Women of Faith

Posted using ShareThis

Working Out Some Tough Issues

2009-01-22T23:44:00.004-07:00

There has been so many times our life together that we had fought to overcome the strife of my past hurts and pains to taking care of our parents when they've needed our help, but there is still something remarkable about the man I married he is still the same man I saw the very first time I met him. His genuine heart was appealing. He wasn't afraid to love, but guarded his heart until he knew I was a woman worth all of my rubies. It takes a woman sent from God to share life with a husband, and even in the bad times one has to remember that those are just flashes of lightning in a thunderstorm that has to pass on over.

I often not write about David here, but there is something on my heart tonight. I have been feeling so touchy over the hurts being relived once again that I grew very short tempered to my husband and even my son. I felt so mortally wounded that I tried hurting him and tried to make him runaway from me. I did this by yelling at him about his sisters and how I have to ask for everything I need to provide for our household. I felt degraded and hurt. My hurt wasn't just from the conversation between him and I, but David gave me space, and I left me alone (something I needed) to calm down and sort out things.

I left the kitchen where I was arguing (took anxiety medicine while I was arguing), and went into my bedroom and there I cried out in anger to God. I cried out to my Lord and asked, "why me," "why don't you take me home," and thought of ways that could kill myself. I thought of stabbing myself numerous times with a kitchen knife, and I tried to remember I needed to give God my anger to turn it over to His will and care...but then my anxiety medicines started to work and I fell asleep. I don't want to die. I want to live. I don't want David and Tien to question whether I loved him enough or were they to blame for my killing myself. I know God has placed me where He has for a reason, and I don't want to abandon my purpose of fulfilling what God requires me to do here and now as David's wife and Tien-Tien's Mommy. I definitely don't want to mortally wound my son and husband over my own inability to manage my griefs, pains, or hurts.

So, you might be wondering, what is her problem? And, let me begin to tell you. This week I was given a photo of myself. I was thirteen years old. At thirteen, I could see I was still an innocent child. It causes me to struggle emotionally over the feelings of pain from seeing that I was a child, and how it took away my ability to be just a child without the horrible experiences of being sexually abused. I was just thirteen years old girl. I was a child. In my head, I somehow excused Oscar from being accountable for sexually abusing me from the age of seven and onto my late teenage years and raping me as an adult. I thought I had some responsibility or role in all of it because Oscar used to tell me to take off my clothes or do what he wanted. I understood what I needed to do to have an "easier time," but it wasn't because I "liked" or even "enjoyed" being raped repeatedly or sodomized or forced to give him oral sex. What Oscar did to me was unspeakable, traumatic, and horrific. I am angry. I am hurting. I am in pain. I am grieving. I am feeling all of this for this little girl I see in the pictures because if you can't see her pain, I can. I see it because she is me. I am her.

She is the little girl who fought to live. She struggled to vision her stuffed bunny rabbit Suzy every time Oscar took more and more of my innocence away. I focused on Suzy's outfit, her coal black eyes, the winter knitted hat with white puff ball, the purple and pink snow flakes pattern on Suzy's sweater, and the softness of her plush fur. Suzy was the one who got me thru those times. I took Suzy everywhere. And, everywhere, was anytime I left home or had to stay at Oscar's place.

If you don't remember me writing this, I want to say I was recently diagnosed as having dissociative identity disorder. You can read about it here. I think that played a huge role in my surviving what I had to experience. I think Suzy ended up being one of my alters who allowed me to survive those moments of horror.

So, when I struggled just days ago with being confronted with being given the pictures of myself, I searched for Suzy. I couldn't find her. I posted on other blogs asking where was she. I was lost. I was confused and I was hurting, and she was no where around to save me.

In the wake of my emotions, I know Suzy is me. She was that little girl who became that inanimate object I needed to be to allow the sexual abuse happen because there was nothing I could physically do to stop it from happening, and when I buried my stuffed bunny rabbit Suzy with my father-in-law (under his arm because it gave him something soft to rest his emaciated arms full of cancerous tumors) I lost part of myself. Part of myself I am struggling to find and identify with in times of great grief over a photo that triggered my need for Suzy.

Suzy may no longer be with me or maybe she is and I just don't know when she comes out, but all I do know is this burden I feel is not for me to carry. Jesus already did that on the way to Calvary. So, I am turning this hurt and pain over to Him, and allowing it to go into His will and care. And, if the Holy Spirit shows me more pain or grief, I know where to go...at the feet of Jesus, and allow myself to feel the pain and wash His feet with my tears.

Come to the Well and Let Your Tears Wash and Anoint His Feet

2009-01-21T23:43:00.002-07:00

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrews 4:16

This is what I hear you saying Lord. Let the pain of my past flow down my face and onto Your precious pierced feet, so that they can be washed clean once again by my renewing heart for You. Let me partake of the grace You have for me, and provide me the comfort to sleep soundly in Your arms of mercy. In all of my heart of hearts....restore a sense of peace, unending love, and hope unbounded by yesterday's pain.

Thirteen Years Old

2009-01-20T21:48:00.003-07:00

I know the internet can be a drag for some of you who don't want to hear some personal stuff about child sexual abuse, but to know me and not hear something about it means that I am either in denial or you just happen to click off the post as you choose not to read about it.

So, I prewarn you right now I am going to address it.

~~~~
How could anyone. ANYONE. Think having forced sexual relations with a young child like me photoed here was okay? I don't get it. I really don't. It makes me disgusted. It makes me want to throw up and cuss and just be totally outraged. You see this little girl? You see her eyes? Can you tell of the unspeakable horrors she had to live and experience through, and not even be able to remember anything except for this girl having her eyes? Can you imagine what it was like to have had to experience what it was like to be raped repeatedly and have to live? I just don't get it. I just don't.

Lylah's Understanding Men Series

2009-01-20T12:20:00.004-07:00

I know as a wife and as a mother to a male child I often wonder about the men in my life. I at times am boggled at their behavior, or am discouraged by not knowing how to encourage the men in my life to be who God always known them to be. So, when I came across Lylah's series on Understanding Men, I was thankful, moved beyond words, and relieved others have or are going through these types of issues too. I am thankful for her posts, and I believe God truly anointed her to write these posts. I hope you'll find them just as encouraging and endearing as I did. Here are the links to the series:
http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/08/understanding-men-part-1.html

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/08/understanding-men-part-2.html

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/08/understanding-men-part-3.html

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/08/understanding-men-part-4.html

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/08/understanding-men-part-5.html

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/08/understanding-men-part-6.html

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/08/understanding-men-part-7.html

Keep On Movin' On

2009-01-16T19:54:00.004-07:00

Its bitterly cold outside but we are trying to keep warm and cozy with lots of love and happy thoughts. It is nice to have memory-making moments like the one above with us swimming. With the craziness of having Tien turning three years old on Monday and dealing, hopefully with great patience, his temper tantrums, I have been finding God been giving grace, mercy, and love that goes beyond the hair pulling moments of my day. I praise Jesus for that. In the world of tumultuous times, I pray for many more memories like the one above that I can have more memories to keep along with all the ones God has blessed my life with good and bad.

Spiritual Cleaning

2009-01-12T09:39:00.003-07:00

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrews 4:16 NLT

I had been afraid of who I was becoming these couple weeks due to being unable to balance who I am in Christ and what temptations were making me really slip back into the lies of this world. So, I did some spiritual house cleaning. I removed the garbage out of my life and am placing my feet firmly on the truths Jesus wants me to see. I am no where near where Jesus would have me be, but I am going to allow Jesus to restore my life with a sense of dignity and honor and righteousness because I am giving my everything over to His will and care. I don't want to fear the wrath of God if He beckons me home and have to take responsibility for the things that damage my witness and testimony for doing what glorifies God and my Savior Christ Jesus. If it takes all of my energies to keep God number one in my life and battle the downfalls of my sense of fragile humanity then I will fight that uphill battle to keep in the Light of Truth to live, love, and be who Jesus needs me to be to reach out to others.

Feeling Courageous to Live

2009-01-10T14:09:00.003-07:00

From ashes to beauty this is a story I feel I will always live.

Singing, "It's Friday, Friday..."

2009-01-09T10:02:00.002-07:00

Yesterday had been the most constructive day around my household in I don't know how long. I washed all the dishes in the sink, vacuumed, dusted, put together all of Tien's outgrown clothes to give away, dropped off library books, picked up mail, and had dinner as a whole family plus Tien-Tien got to play at an indoor playground. God had blessed me with the strength and motivation and stamina to do what needed to be done, and I thank Jesus and the Holy Spirit for keeping me balanced yesterday to do some much needed home cleaning. So, as it is Friday, I am going to do my Friday Post of things I am thinking of and whatnot.

I am hearing..."Where is my monster truck Momma, please, please..." (and Tien never stops going on about trucks, cars, monster trucks, lumber jacks and so forth. Its cute but WOW it can get overwhelming.) :o)

I am thinking...of how I am a new creation in Christ and what it means to be just that without the lies Satan is trying to stick in my head about being damaged or worthless or incapable of doing what the Lord wants me to do in this life

I am thankful for...Jesus being enough and Him being the one Truth that lives today in this world that guides and directs me into what His light would have me see this moment, today, and all of the days He has blessed me with living

I am wearing...is my pajamas but will be wearing a pair of blue jeans and a green collared shirt from Christmas (love it!)

I am hoping...to take a bath and get dressed for the day's comings and goings

I am reading...K Love's Encouraging Words, Our Daily Bread and doing my devotionals

I am creating...a way to surrender the feelings of being conditioned to do something that does not benefit me in this new life of mine as a child of God

Around the house...my husband seems to be baking and my little one is bugging me to get more dozers, dump trucks and Hard Hat Harry

One of my favorite things...the feeling of being able to give God all my cares and concerns and put them into His will and care because He is my Sustainer, Comforter, Truth, Provider and Light in my life and those I love around me

Things I am hoping for...is to always remember that I am a new creation in Christ and what Satan wants me to believe are all lies and are not truths, and if I keep the armor of God on all of the times, in times of weakness and strength, I can be fully protected from becoming a believer of those lies and fall into temptation

A few plans for the rest of the day...go take a bath, get dressed, get something to eat and go grocery shopping, and then put away all the stuff we get when we come home and wash the dishes drying in the dish rack and wash the ones in the sink

A prayer concern I'm sharing with you...a girl from from high school contacted me and wants to talk to me on the telephone, and it honestly felt kind of scary to me because I had been afraid to have it would trigger me into memories or flashbacks about being abused or raped during my high school time. On the other hand, I want to talk to her when I can and ask her about the person I was to her and what she saw of me, so that I could have some good memories form around those bad times. It ought to be good stuff. It will give me a prospective of how I could live under the circumstances and how the love of God still shined through during those dark times.

And, what I would like to say is that I hope God blesses each and everyone of us with the glory of being conquers of the truth and show us we can thrive amongst our every days in a way that glorifies Him when He sees us being thankful and give over our concerns to His will and care.

Serenity Prayer

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

~~Reinhold Niebuhr

A Dream of Mine

2009-01-06T22:58:00.005-07:00

Is to dance on water lilies with the bare skin of my soles touching those tender, fragile petals of a water lily. The luciousness of the moment when petal meets my sole tickling me into a laughter as my heart danced like a dragon fly soaring over each deep green lily pad with the song God has placed on my heart.

Tonight

2009-01-05T22:46:00.002-07:00

Ever see the tenderness and compassion of someone who loves you in the same way Christ loves you? Hear the Holy Spirit speak through them? Feel the need to just bury your worries and cares at Jesus' feet? The Lord is tender and compassionate to those who fear Him. He says "you may approach me with freedom and confidence." But then why do I, the fractured clay pot, struggle to come and give my Lord all my worries and cares for He cares for me--all of me, each and every one of us? He tells me not to worry and pray for everything. He tells me to tell Him all of my needs and thank Him for what He has done. Do I forget my present troubles are small and will fade away compared to the lifetime free of pain and torment of yesterday when Jesus beckons me home? He has told me this over and over, so that I may have peace in Him because He has all ready overcome the world. Wasn't His life price enough for whatever I have gone through? Why is this life so troubling to me...so hard for me to bear that yesterday pains my heart this moment?

Jesus! Jesus!
In spite of the pains my heart and mind are feeling, I thank you Jesus for dying for me and bearing the shame, the pain. Thank you for the alters you gave me who are inside of me aching to hold on to surviving those moments lived and yet are so afraid to let go and let Melissa live, whole, and complete. Lord deliver her from this life so she doesn't have to bear this torment anymore. She knows when you beckon her home you will make her whole once again. She wants to live, to love, to be whole. Take away and break the lies in me in the name of Jesus and set me free to be your daughter my Lord and Savior only to live in your truths not in satan's lies. Take away the veil of lies that covers my life Lord and deliver me from this evil. I surrender this pain, this masked pain, of hurt, torment and torture lived. Jesus take it. Give me wings to fly like the eagle and never let me look back in fear. In your precious name Holy Father, Deliverer and Comforter....amen.

My Wish for 2009

2009-01-04T04:12:00.004-07:00

Candlelight, never stops burning.
Desire to live,
under any circumstance,
never fade.
Beauty,
take me,
no matter where life
leads.
Echoes of Heartache and Memories,
never overshadow
the moment
I live now.
Jesus, let her know
that no matter
who comes out
she knows
I
live here too
and they are
loved,
cared for,
and wanted.
Jesus,
don't let her be the unseen child,
the lonely teenager torment-filled,
the budding woman seeking to survive
as the promiscuous woman
trying to believe
what is conditioned is good...
...that there is still, someone, who won't
take what I do as wrong.
Filled with a Blessed Hope
I want to live!
Be a endlessly loving mommy,
faithful wife, carefree young woman,
vibrant teenager,
and curious young child
unafraid of the others
who would rob Melissa
of the chance
to just be
the one You created
and she never got to be.
May the love God had for me
before creation
never seem to fade
as I learn to live
this life
for what it is,
seeking only His Light
and giving Him all the glory
for the victories
of seconds,
moments, hours, and years I live
living for Jesus.

Needing Something More

2008-12-28T02:32:00.003-07:00

My prayer tonight:

12b Forgive my hidden faults.

13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer

This is what I hear the Lord telling me: I need a direct connection with the Sustainer of my soul who provides me with brain food that makes me wise and fully capable of discerning; a daily check-up revealing the condition of my heart, preventive medicine keeping me from sinning or at least a heart to confess those sins I knowingly commit; and a spiritual shower of peace, hope, and comfort.

Going to offer the Lord my prayers. Good night.

No Need for Other Words

2008-12-27T15:05:00.003-07:00

As Christmas day has passed on by and slowly but surely the desire for more stuff stops people in the tracks due to climbing credit card bills and lack of credit and/or lack of available money, I am finding myself thankful that I don't feel the need to run after the next big thing or something brand new just because I can buy it or feel I need it. I am left thankful for what I have and appreciate the crown (okay, not a crown but the threads I wear, the house I live in and so forth...you get the idea) I have to wear here on earth during the time God has for me here. I am more than thankful for the greatest gift I have ever received. This gift was a Savior born of flesh who left His heavenly throne for me. I think of what I have done to survive this life here on earth thus far, and at times I feel ashamed and am saddened that I have to have certain things happen to me; however, the feelings of shame and sadness fades away when I realize that same Savior who became an itty bitty baby full knowing what He would have to do, take on the world's sin and die a horrible death, makes me feel grateful. Knowing this assures me that nothing I have to live through here on earth has been forsaken and in vain because I have a Savior who fully knows what it was like to have walked in my shoes, forced to know the dirtiness of being sexually abused and tried surviving despite what life threw in my way. And, this is why I want to share with you this song from Downhere called How Many Kings. It touches my heart beyond belief because it echoes the same truth I live today and it tells the story of how someone like me feels humbled and forevermore grateful for what Christ Jesus did having been born a helpless infant fully knowing that He would grow up and suffer all of the peoples' pains and sufferings and sins who lived and will live here on earth. Praise be to Jesus for dying for me.

Sleepiness

2008-12-22T19:02:00.002-07:00

Today has been a day I just hunkered down in my warm blankets and tried sleeping the winter coldness away. I am thankful David was feeling upbeat enough to make sure Tien had his needs met because Mommy was too out of it. I feel like I ought to do something constructive or make something, but the lack of motivation is not getting me out of bed. Tien and David are soundly sleeping in their own beds, so I am just going to fall asleep listening to my deep relaxation music I have on the computer and call it a night. I hope to bring Tien to his school tomorrow, and then get some house cleaning done. I hope to get the christmas tree up, but if not I am not going to kick myself in the butt over it. Every day ought to be like Christmas--realizing what Jesus has done for me in the fullness of knowing how He left His throne to become a baby, toddler, young man, and an adult who would die for me and you. I praise Him for that because I don't know about you, but that fall from His throne in heaven was far deeper than what I expected Him to have to bear when He took on my bad choices and realities of living my life's pain, hurt, and circumstance. So, good night.

Operation Welcome Home Soldier of Maryland

2008-12-18T15:07:00.002-07:00

Today at noontime I Googled "welcome home soldier at BWI airport," and then was directed to a website called "Operation Welcome Home Soldier Maryland." I called the number to see if there was any events happening, and to my surprise and advantage was one that was to begin at 1pm. We live twenty or so minutes away from the airport so I dropped wha I was doing and went on my merry way. When I arrived, I was early, but was put to work packing some kits and putting up decorations. I was completely moved. I saw families reunited. I saw our American soldiers coming home and touching American soil for the first time in months and even years from all over the United States. What touched my heart was seeing men and women wanting hugs, and then them telling me that our hug was the first hug in months and years. I told them "thank you," "God blesses you," "welcome home," and "Merry Christmas." I couldn't help but see the pain in their eyes and seeing their emaciated bodies from lack of food, comfort, and just having gone through some really traumatic time. I was touched by them. They were touched by all the hundreds of people welcoming them home. This was my first time doing this, but this won't be my last time going out to tell our soldiers, "welcome home."

This Moment

2008-12-18T09:16:00.002-07:00

What I am hearing...the rug hanging on a hanger that I had just washed by hand and is dripping water--plip plop plip plop

What I am drinking...sweet tea with lots of ice

What I am feeling...quietness

What I have just done...went to Tien's school and took part of his class' Christmas celebration

What I plan on doing the rest of the day and night...do some reading, work on worship videos when I am done blogging and have had a nap

What I am thankful for...the doctor finally diagnosing me and getting started on a real plan of action that ought to impact my every day positively

Who is on my mind...my friend Jen's mom who is on Hospice care and was taken off of life support a week ago, but is still hanging on to living life when the doctors and every one else is preparing for her to die

What I have a concern for...that having just been newly diagnosed that I am going to have to make big adjustments to what needs to be done

Bible verse that is repeatedly shown to me...Proverbs 27:19 “As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man”

Tonight

2008-12-14T21:30:00.004-07:00

Its been a rough day for me. I've stayed home from church and Celebrate Recovery due to not feeling well enough to go. I have really terrible menstrual cycles, and I have noticed if I don't stay off my feet then I just feel like I am bleeding out a liver. I laid down most of the day except when I was baking some beignets and dinner. I felt thankful for my husband so much today. He helped clean up the house and wash dishes and took care of Tien when I wasn't able to do so. That makes me feel quite loved and humbled. It is hard to not want to take care of the ones I love, and when it comes to taking care of me I feel so ashamed I am not capable of taking care of them in a way they need. I know it is a give and take, but it still makes me feel less of a wife, mom and person. So, here I write my thoughts of the moment...

I am hearing..."Oh How He Loves Us" by Mark McMillian

I am thinking...of how I am feeling let down about not being what I think my husband or son needed me to be today

I am thankful for...the song Jesus still gives my heart and tells me how He loves me still the same no matter what I feel for myself

I am wearing...a red plaid flannel nightgown with poet sleeves and a hurting heart

I am hoping...to feel the winter blues leave my system

I am reading...the words I am writing as they leave my mind and are typed onto the keyboard then are seen on the screen

I am creating...a way to focus on how Jesus loves me despite how I feel ashamed of myself or that I don't matter

Around the house...my little one sleep and so is my husband

One of my favorite things...the feeling of being loved no matter what I feel I can or cannot do for the ones I love

Things I am hoping for...that Jesus takes my inadequacies and depression into His will and care, so I don't have to bear the burden of being a complete burden on my husband and not the Mom I want to be for my son

A few plans for the rest of the night...begin reading the Our Daily Bread post on The Glory of Humility at http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/our-daily-bread/2008/12/14/devotion.aspx

A prayer concern I'm sharing with you...it seems to me that every year during the winter month I somehow pop out of my normal routines and hibernate away from society by not going to church, focus on just surviving, and going into a major depression episode that can last until Springtime. I don't want that to happen, and I fear that it will happen if I don't give it to God and have you pray for me. And, if you suffer from depression and feel you are all alone, I pray that God takes the veil of depression off of you and wipes away the tears, emptiness, and void in you because I know He can. Jesus all ready bore depression and the sin of not letting it go on the cross, so don't give up hope and think you cannot do it alone. You're not.

May God bless each and everyone of us with the glory of being conquers of the truth and show us we can thrive amongst our every days in a way that glorifies Him when He sees us being thankful and having a sense of contentment.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

A Sense of Contentment and Thankfulness

2008-12-11T23:22:00.003-07:00

Outside my window...the rain is pitter patterings against the window and the wind is caressing the branches of the naked trees

I am hearing...my son breathing as he sleeps, the fan of my laptop humming, my husband moving around in bed as he tosses and turns, and the noise from me pressing down on the keys as I type away at my blogs

I am thinking...of how I am feeling a sense of contentment and thankfulness for what I have been given and what feeling those things allows me to have--a sense of joy

I am thankful for...Jesus loving me right where I am at and not where I ought to be. I am thankful for my online community of blogging friends I have and how in my connecting with them I have learned to live with a sense of authenticity of who I truly am. I am forever thankful for the love God planted inside of my heart even before I was even thought of, and how in that love planted in me I am able to love those around me in that same manner Jesus loves

I am wearing...a warm blanket wrapped around me (oh so warm!) (made me think of how cold my feet are sitting here typing without socks on)

I am hoping...to sleep well and wake up rested

I am reading...Today's devotional from Our Daily Bread, Women of Faith Encouraging Words, Lylah Ledner's blog called, "the lylah blog"

I am creating...a way to share the sense of contentment and thankfulness I have been given into words to express a sense of joy I have been given this moment of my life

Around the house...the Christmas decorating awaits

One of my favorite things...the feeling of my semester at school is complete and how I am left with the sense of contentment over how I did my best and it is enough

Things I am hoping for...the fruits of my labor seen in high marks or not so high marks for this semester's grades

A few plans for the rest of the night...try to complete writing this blog and begin reading the Our Daily Bread post on Absolutely Nobody at http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/our-daily-bread/2008/12/11/devotion.aspx

A prayer concern I'm sharing with you...it seems that people I know are facing some inner struggles this moment of life, and it is impacting them in a way that bogs down their ability to live life for what it is. I would like for you to pray for my FRIENDS' (yes, all caps, so that it encompasses all the friends I am thinking of that moment I wrote it) ability to enjoy life for what it is and not for what it is not. And for those of you who may be reading this blog and have prayer concerns you may need I pray for those CONCERNS and your ability to live life for what it is.

May God bless each and everyone of you with a perspective that allows you to live life with a sense of contentment, thankfulness and joy!

The End of Semester High

2008-12-09T22:21:00.003-07:00

I love the fact that Thursday is my last day in this semester's classwork. Next semester is my last semester for school. Wooohooo! I praise God for getting me through this semester, especially since I am receiving more than 2 A's and 1 B and possibly a C, if not a B in another class. Even if I get a C in that one class, I am still proud of myself because I did my best and persisted to overcome some emotional issues that could have gotten me completely sidetracked. I thank God for all of my energies and abilities I was able to grow in this semester. What was so funny to think about was that in the beginning of the semester I was unsure whether I made the best choice to enroll in classes at UMBC, but having made so many good grades for this semester makes me think I have what it takes and that makes me feel glad I made that decision to return to UMBC. Next semester, God willing, I am going to walk down the aisle for graduation and receive my Bachelors of Arts and a Minor. I so want my Mom to see me do this. She will be floored to see me get my degree. Well, it is late and my eyes are getting sleepy.

Remembering but Not Reliving

2008-12-08T17:57:00.002-07:00

I couldn't help but feel my friend's hurt this past Sunday when I learned her mother was on life support and is not expected to make it. I remember what it was like to lose my father-in-law after taking care of him four days after Christmas. I felt the pain of having lost someone close to me, but in no way does it compare to her losing her mother after them just reconciling their relationship. I had to go to God in prayer and give my hurt for Jen and her family to His will and care. I had to let God take the wheel and throw my hands up because I didn't know where God was driving to letting someone experience the loss of a mother, especially at Christmas time. It was like having gone through my own pain and suffering and then adding salt to those fresh wounds. Why? And, then I realized, "I don't know why things happen the way they do," but what I do know is God is always going to be there with me till I die and years after I die--forevermore. There is something about having that assurance that gives me hope for tomorrow, so that though I feel great pain and grieve over the losses I have had that Jesus is far greater payment than what I could ever do. So, I made a pact between Jesus and me that I understood that even though I can't take away Jen's pain right now through the grieving process I can stand beside her and pray for her and her family, so that their hurt and pain are interceded with prayers of supplication to bind their hurt with what God has in store for them. I still am very sorry Jen must face this loss, but there is something unbreakable about Jesus' love for us that even when we were far apart from His love He loved us even still. So, my heart goes out for the lost, but I know God has a way of bring the Good News to them. And, I offer my life to God for the purpose of reaching them.

Lunch with a Friend

2008-12-05T23:38:00.002-07:00

There was something beautiful about meeting up with my friend today. At first we intended to eat out for breakfast, but I slept in later than expected and she had some business to take care of when I arrived at her home. By the time we left, we ended up leaving just after noon. It felt great to get out and just be with my friend. We drove and drove for a long while. We both commented on how it was nice to go out and just soak up the views as we drove past. Somehow God directed our taste buds to Little Italy downtown Baltimore. We ate at Sabatino's. Although it was still not the style of cooking my family makes, what we ate was still taste bud satisfying. We sat and talked for a long while. Eating Italian food made me reminence about having worked at my uncle's store. There we used to make our own breads, sauces, food items like veal and chicken parmigiana, chicken cacciotorre, and garlic rolls to name a few. I have fond memories associated with eating food and working around food. Food is one of the core parts of having grown up in an Italian family, even though my Mom is Japanese. My Mom cooked Italian more than Japanese growing up. Anyways, I enjoyed the food I ate, but hated the feeling of overeating. What is it with me and consuming so much food that I could almost gag from being so full? I tend to over indulge when eating. I need to be mindful that it is a sin to overeat. Its a sin to me because I knew I was full, and still I wanted to eat everything on my plate and more. I couldn't stop until it was all gone except for some spaghetti. Was this how I wanted Jesus to have seen me if He decided to come and take me home? Nope. So, as I struggle to get a grip on overeating and eating for nourishment, I need to be mindful that it is "okay" to eat, but what is not okay is that I over did it when I chose to eat the veal, the brasciole, the garlic bread, the salad, and the spaghetti almost to its entirety. I almost want to laugh and tell you that, "at least I nibbled the rum cake," but that was because the rum cake was gross. Well, setting aside the ugliness of where my mind wants to go now, and returning to the upside of having spent the day with my friend I am thankful she was there to share lunch with me and to share conversation.

End of the Semester High

2008-12-03T18:03:00.002-07:00

I go to class today evening and I realize that next week that this semesters' final exams begin. How cool is that? To have survived the semester is just simply wowing. Praise Jesus' Holy Spirit for keeping me going the entire semester and only missing days that were essentially needed because I was sick or Tien was. I have been so blessed this semester. Just think, next semester during this time of the semester I will be graduating. What an awesome thing to say! In fact, it is beyond awesome. I am the first sibling to go to college and the second one to graduate. How cool is that? Graduation is on my birthday too. All I want to see is my husband, son, Mom, Dad and sisters and brothers woohooing me down the aisle to pick up my diploma--my mom especially. It was because of her I am here getting my education.

Called to Love

2008-12-03T11:28:00.003-07:00

Hi, my name is Melissa. I have written an essay about my story, and it is titled, "Notes from a Once Brokenhearted Soul.” The essay has five sections. My first section is called, “Spiritual Struggles,” and from this you will begin reading…

There is a sense of powerlessness one feels as you lose grip of your own control. No matter how I tried to hold on, I believe at times I feel powerless to even cling on to the promises God gave me. Like which ones? That He will be there alongside me till the end of ages or even that His burden is lighter. This spiritual struggle has been often times been mind-defeating and quite trying as I have learned to let go. Through the process, I tried clinging to what I knew in order to keep what I understood to be true happen, but it was not until I let go and allowed God's will to happen did I experience the freedom.

When I was watching my father-in-law die, I thought if I held onto his hands I could keep his body warm. I believed that if I kept Pa’s hands in mine he wouldn’t die. “Pa’s hands weren’t going to get cold,” I kept telling myself over and over. I knew the hands are one of the first things to lose heat when a person lies dying on his or her death bed. I knew this because my dear friend Kim died in my arms as I clung to her lifeless body, and it wasn’t until the tears stopped falling from my cheeks onto her warm corpse did I realize the coldness of her hands.

In my mind’s eye, I did the same with my losing my unborn baby. I thought if I could squeeze my legs so tight she wouldn’t leave me, and then somehow I could block the blood that gushed like a dam breaking from my womb and save my losing my unborn child’s soul and not let her die out of my sheer might and desire to keep her alive.

It is a helpless feeling trying to hold onto something I wasn’t meant to hold onto.
The freedom found was realizing the power of letting go.
The sheer act of letting go has been the hardest lesson I have ever learned.

Foundations of Me

I was born into a family with a mother and father and I have four sisters and two brothers. I was the quiet, observant child. Growing up as the sixth born child, I had gotten used to getting my way by causing a fuss because I was either too little or not loud enough. If I needed to be heard, I’d scream. I’d kick. I’d yell. I’d get their attention by whatever it took.

Life got complicated when the abuse started happening at age seven. It would forever change who I’d be and how I experienced life.

I knew what it took.
I knew what it took to live.
I knew what it took to just exist…under the life circumstances given to me.

Monkey Wrenches

To say the least, I found it quite hard to relate to others growing up. I felt like an outsider watching the world pass me by. Life was like that because I felt different. I thought everyone saw me as some horrible monster that just kept blimping up in size and I grew more and more unlovable. I didn’t think anyone saw the little girl or the young teenager crying out to be saved. What I grew conditioned and accustomed to was living the way my abuser manipulated me into believing.

I was unlovable.
I was invisible.
I didn’t matter.

I wanted to be loved.
I wanted to be seen.
I wanted to matter.

If I were loved, my parents would have heard my cries out for someone to rescue me. They would have seen the pain that inhabited my eyes. I would have mattered enough to them and be taken care of in the way I needed them to take care of in my early childhood and onto my teenage years.

Even still today, I give them the chance to redeem themselves through rewriting what happened in the past. I give them only the years of them being legally responsible for my well being to make right for them not taking care of me in the way I needed them to do so. All I have gotten thus far are unanswered responses to the questions I ask and empty stares.

Mustard Seed of Hope

One of the fondest memories of childhood was my father hanging up a picture of Jesus over where we would soon get our first television. I would stare into Jesus’ eyes and believe he was looking at me. I would see Him watching over me throughout my day as a little girl. When we moved from Michigan to California, Jesus seemed to come with us until He was literally stolen from our belongings. Little did the person who stole the picture of Jesus that they stole the only glimpse of Jesus I had.

It was in California the abuse began.

I thought I escaped my hell, at thirteen, when we moved back to Michigan. The town we moved to had a church my parents would take us to. The church is named Berean Baptist. During the time we went to Berean Baptist, I remember really enjoying because someone seemed to care for me and it wasn’t because I had to do something to make them not hurt me. The youth pastor and his wife, a childless couple, took me in as theirs. They took me to church and back home every Sunday and even drove me for special youth events. They seemed to really show me through their actions I mattered to them. It was in them loving me that I first learned God loved me, He saw my brokenheartedness, and that I mattered to Him.

There is a day every born-again Christian remembers with clarity. It is the day they would come to receive God’s ultimate gift of love—His Son Christ Jesus, as their own. I remember my day as the day I took that frightful journey down the middle path of righteous stares and glances toward the cross for which my Savior died for me. As He hung to the wall of Berean Baptist over the area for which sinners came to be baptized He hung clinging to a cross, nailed-pierced, beckoning me to Him. At that moment, His eyes met mine I didn’t see or hear anything else. I focused on His eyes and listened to His sweet, sweet soft voice. I heard Him telling me, “I love you” and “that My Holy Spirit is going to live inside of your soul.” The tears poured out of my eyes onto His feet, and I allowed Him to inhabit me.

My abuser had no contact with me during the year we lived in that town, but days would pass and it soon came time to move once again. Little did I know that my freedom found was only temporary.

My abuser came back into my life.
I was frightened.
I felt alone.
I was hurting.
I was nowhere near Jesus’ presence any longer.
My abuser changed tactics and the violence escalated.

The days and years following our leaving Berean Baptist would come to be the loneliest days of my life. I couldn’t understand how a God who loved me would abandon me. I couldn’t understand where He could have gone.

I did what it took to just get by. I lived the only way I knew how. I believed I did my best under the circumstances and what I did to survive having been abused and now raped. I also knew that how I existed wasn’t what I thought life could be.

The Transformation

You may have heard transformation stories that were miraculously life changing moments the moment a person becomes born-again. My transformation happened slowly. It wasn’t until I recognized I had a voice that I truly began seeing God’s love transforming this brokenhearted soul of mine.

Here was I an adult, married to someone who was the most constant and stable thing in my life, and I couldn’t have children. Fertility treatment after fertility treatment failed. I suffered the worst physical and emotional blow to my person, a miscarriage. It was as if being a survivor of child sexual abuse and rape wasn’t enough to break me that I had to experience the heartbreaking trauma of losing an unborn child. I was desperate to allow Jesus to come back into my life again.

It was then, in all of my brokenness, I started desperately trying to find a place for Jesus in my life.

It was in that moment of desperation I prayed the relinquisher’s prayer...the same prayer Jesus prayed to His Father God in heaven for letting His will be, not His own. I prayed to God and said if I couldn’t have my own children, then I accepted that fate and if He saw it fit He could allow me to love someone else’s children as my own because His love is far greater than of my own. I prayed God was unite my unborn child and me when it was my time to come home, and that I wasn’t going to struggle to force my soul to endure anymore pain because I was living for myself. I also prayed that I would daily recognize I needed to stop living for myself and, in my doing so, I would start living for Him. I was at my lowest point. I believed hell was here on earth and not somewhere sinners went after they’ve died.

From an empty womb to a broken heart, I began realizing the call to love another. June 1, 2005 I went on my first missionary trip to Dover, Delaware. I had the opportunity of outreaching to people hurting at the Dover races and in the youth program at a local Dover church struggling to get its youth program up and running. God answered a dream I had to become a mother. It was on that first day of my missionary trip that I first started drinking milk and began feeling a hunger that didn’t subside. Because I stuff down my pain with food I never truly experienced a true physical hunger for food, and having been blessed with a pregnancy that hunger was unrecognizable until I realized it wasn’t just the hunger to give of the love I have been given but the hunger of how God implanted in my womb my son Tien-Tien, who needed the nourishment of food to supply energy to grow and flourish in this once God-forsaken womb. Even though I was sent home twenty-five days later from the mission field, God used my pregnancy to heal my wounds. He used the time to allow me to be healthy for the first time in my life. Even though I came home and I wasn’t disappointed because He has gave me plenty an opportunity to love myself right where I was at, and show others how Jesus’ love can transform my life because He was doing so with mine.

Through my learning to love again, I have been given a joy that is far greater than the joy I had seen in the eyes of the members of Berean Baptist church. I have a peace inside of my heart knowing though I have been hurt it is through my being forgiven I can forgive those who’ve hurt me. This past September, I was finally able to verbally forgive my abuser for what he did to me. I know today I have some responsibility for the things I had control over, but the greatest thing is I have learned was it was not my fault that I was abused or even that it wasn’t my fault someone choose to rape me; instead, I take responsibility over realizing how I have hurt people and in how I did hurt them. I pray for those people to open their hearts one day when they are old enough or ready for me to hear I want to ask forgiveness from them for not being who I needed to be for them in the moments of their greatest need. I also pray that I learn to forgive myself for not being who I expected me to be or living up to what I needed myself to be in the times I did what I could.

You see. My story is about a place of no hope, and of a Blessed Hope found. It’s a story of how through finding that hope comes love unimagined and reasons to live and love unbounded by the hurt I have faced here on earth. It’s about Jesus’ love that came to someone who experienced hell on earth while others on earth may never even choose to acknowledge Him. You see. My story is about beauty from ashes, and no longer am I brokenhearted.

My Candle of Hope

2008-12-03T08:40:00.004-07:00

I would have never believed that one day all of my hope would have come from a helpless Infant, born of the flesh and made man. That infant is Christ Jesus. As I begin to celebrate Christmas with a world of believers and the lost, I am reminded of the moment every believer ought to rejoice for--the birth of our Savior. There are many things that distract my eyes in this world, but the One thing that always lures me back is Jesus. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for that because when all else fails me Jesus never has or will. He has stayed by my side the moment He conceived me in mind, and the moment I became born into this world created by Him and my Father God. As I walk this journey of life here on earth, I marvel at the Their faces in the embodiment of the ones passing by me. I marvel at God my Father and Christ Jesus because we've been created in Their likeness. I see Them smiling and catching my gaze, and I know They hear my thankful heart as I offer the sacrifice of my praise the moment I can give it. Jesus is that only Candle of Light in my life that never flickers. His love surpasses all. And, I have been called to give others that same love Jesus has given to me. So, I say I simply can't take my eyes off the meaning behind the Nativity scene. It harkens me back to what the prophet Isaiah said about the birth of Christ Jesus. The prophet Isaiah foretold the birth of Christ, a new hope was born into the world; a hope that lives in me, and it could also include you, today. And after Jesus came in the flesh, He promised to return and take us to be with Him, giving us eternal hope that surpasses the condition of our life on earth. This is the meaning behind Christmas. If you didn't know what Christmas literally means, let me explain it to you right here and now. Christmas breaks down into two words--Christ and mas. Mas means festival. So, if you put the two words together it is festival of Christ. So, there is simply no way to take Christ out of Christmas. I refuse to do that. If you hear me say one thing in response to this upcoming holiday, it is me saying, "Happy Christmas to you and yours, and may the blessing be yours!"

Desperately Seeking Jesus

2008-11-30T22:11:00.004-07:00

I remember the time I first saw a Dali painting of Jesus. The painting was an oil located on the stairway of the National Gallery of Art. I stared up at it for hours sitting there as everyone just seemed to pass by, and there I was just sitting on the cold marble slab of stairs in amazement that someone could draw a vision of who Jesus is. His hands were outstretched towards the heavens and it was as if the heavens were being offered to me, and there I was a small person compared to the greatness of glory in detail so rich and full of Jesus' love and I had no words. Awed, I would have wept if I knew I could have, but this happened at a time in my life where I was so numb to everything in the world. I was just a mere passerby, but there was something that caught my eye. It was in those outstretched hands that welcomed me in that moment, to take refuge, and be held. I sat there in awe for what it seemed an entire day. I watched the people pass by and wonder how they could just pass by and not know what Jesus offers. I don't even think I could have understood that much either that moment, but what I make of it now is that everyone (yes, I mean everyone under the moon and stars) has been witness to the glory of God's creation by way of nature if not by hearing the Gospel of Jesus Christ. So, I don't feel guilty thinking I am the cause of one who might die and go to hell because God said that we know who the Creator is and it is us who decide to worship the created instead of the Creator. I don't know about you, but God has given me many chances in life to go running into His arms. I might not be physically capable this second to run a 5k let alone a 10k or whatever, but I can run fast enough into His arms when I recognize I am desperately seeking Jesus' love and care.

Crackalacken

2008-11-28T23:59:00.004-07:00

In the word said by Chris Rocks' character from Madagascar, I am starting to understand what is crackalacken in life. That is what is starting to occupy a majority of my thoughts and time. It is the end of the semester and I am beginning to put the finishing touches to final projects and essays. I am going to be relieved to have completed this semester on December 11th. I am thankful for how much I have overcomed in this semester and am thankful for realizing what matters the utmost in life. Living life to the fullest in the moment and being thankful is where life is at in the here and now. I marvel at the transformation God has undertaken in me and am blessed He has never given up on me. So, in the sleepiness of tonight, I say "good night."

Dreamy State of Mind

2008-11-24T21:59:00.003-07:00

There is something so beautiful about the moment you live. The moment where nothing else matters except what you are experiencing in the love you share for yourself and others. Its a beautiful time experiencing the sights, sounds, and smells of the world without the provocation of anger, hate, bitterness or worry...even lies. Truth is that moment. The moment you experience it and feel it. You live it and enjoy what it is in that very moment. Its a moment you cannot take back but always want to remember, yet, memory fades and robs you of that simple joy. So, I leave those memories unstored and lost in just that moment lived, and move on with the next moment that captures my mind and allows me to soar above the heavens and self.

Seasons Changing

2008-11-21T10:19:00.002-07:00

Taken from: http://weather.missouri.edu/ROCS/DSC00004.JPG

There is something beautiful about seeing the snow falling from the sky. Its as if God was showing me how much rain falls to the ground with each starry snowflake floating down from the heavens to the cold ground. I love seeing seasons change. I love knowing that no matter which season of life I am in that God is always going to be there--even after me messing up so utterly bad.

As this semester is winding down for school, I am finding myself wanting to reflect on where I have been and where I am now. In the beginning of the semester, I had questioned why I went back to university, and whether or not I was going to be able to complete it in a way that showed how I've grown as a person and individual with the circumstances that I have had to overcome. So, here I am. I've grown so much. I've overcome lots of things that came into my pathway. I believe those things have allowed me to grow closer to God and my Savior Christ Jesus. I have learned that if I forgive someone that it was absolute, and that I didn't need to follow the way of the world and try and be vengeful or seek justice...Jesus paid it all. His sacrifice on the cross is more than enough than any judicial system ruling or any man made justification for the wrong that has been done to me. I have learned God can work through all the pain, hurt, and overwhelming feelings of brokenness if you let Him. It took me realizing this when I hit rock bottom, and when I hit it I saw Him standing there waiting for me...yes, waiting, patiently, loving me right where I was and desiring to hold me, love me, and work through all that hurt and pain I have been feeling. There is something just as beautiful as seeing the snow falling down from the heavens; its beautiful to see those loving eyes of Jesus waiting for me. I also learned that I have been blessed so much. So very, much! I have a body that is my temple for Him to fill and it is quite capable of loving, feeling, and being used for God's glory and honor. I have been blessed with a great family of believers and non-believers who pick me up when I need encouragement and show the divine loving I need. Yes, I believe God works and does work through believers and non-believers. I learned to love myself enough to take care of me. It is through loving me that I have seen the woman God has always known I could be.

Its been an amazing time in my life to have reflected upon. I know God will be here in the moments to come whether I am here on earth or up in heaven praising Him for all He has given to me, and for the first time in my life that I can honestly say, "It is well with my soul." It really is. May God continue to bless my life and yours, and thank you for following my blog and seeing how God keeps humbling me, using me, and loving me through everything life has brought my way.

From Introvert to Extrovert

2008-11-09T02:11:00.003-07:00

These last several months I have seen God working in my life and thru my life 24/7. It is through opportunities given to me and my taking those opportunities to grow that has given me a freedom unbounded than I ever had imagined ever before in my life. I feel so blessed to wake up, live for that moment, love in that moment, and cry out to Him with all of the worries and concerns of my heart. I feel so blessed to have seen God working in the lives of many of those around me face-to-face and online. Transformation through Christ's sacrifice has truly been the greatest gift of me. I feel like shouting out my excitedness and happiness of how God is working in and around my life, and so I feel led to give you my personal testimony here. So, with an open heart, I pray you receive it. I have a title for it and all, too. :o) On another side note, I have it broken up in five sections and it all goes together with the section headings and what God had led me to write. So, here it is:

"Notes from a Once Brokenhearted Soul"

Spiritual Struggles

There is a sense of powerlessness one feels as you lose grip of your own control. No matter how I tried to hold on, I believe at times I feel powerless to even cling on to the promises God gave me. Like which ones? That He will be there alongside me till the end of ages (Matthew 28:20) or even that His burden is lighter (Matthew 11: 28-30). This spiritual struggle has been often times been mind-defeating and quite trying as I have learned to let go. Through the process, I tried clinging to what I knew in order to keep what I understood to be true happen, but it was not until I let go and allowed God's will to happen did I experience the freedom.

It is a helpless feeling trying to hold onto something I wasn’t meant to hold onto.
The sheer act of letting go has been the hardest lesson I have ever learned.

Foundations of Me

Growing up as the sixth born child, I have gotten used to getting my way by causing a fuss. If I needed to be heard, I’d scream. I’d kick. I’d yell. I’d get their attention by whatever it took.

Life got complicated when the abuse started happening.

As an adult survivor to child sexual abuse, I learned what it took to have an “easier time.” This meant I had to be complacent with allowing my abuser to see that little girl he groomed me to be to act as a whore showed me through those dirty, seedy porno films and by committing those heinous acts repeatedly.

I knew what it took.
I knew what it took to live.
I knew what it took to just exist…under the life circumstances given to me.

Monkey Wrenches

It was hard for me to relate to others growing up as a teenager to any of my own peers. I felt like an outsider watching the world pass me by. It was like that because I felt different. I thought everyone saw me as some horrible monster that just kept blimping up in size and grew more and more unlovable. What I grew conditioned and accustomed to was living the way my abuser manipulated me into believing.

I was unlovable.
I was invisible.
I didn’t matter.

I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be visible. It was through my going to church that I first learned these desires could be true. I walked through the doors of church as a teenager, I saw the bright smiling faces I wanted to understand, a dress code for which I knew I would have to have, and there seemed to be a sense of joy inside their hearts I only dreamed of one day having.

Church wasn’t me.
Church was for someone loved.
Church was for someone seen.
Church was for someone who mattered to someone greater.

I still give them the chance to redeem themselves through rewriting what happened in the past. I give them only the years of them being legally responsible for my well being to make right for them not taking care of me in the way I needed them to do so. All I have gotten thus far are unanswered responses to the questions I ask and empty stares back into this brokenhearted soul.

Mustard Seed of Hope

One of the fondest memories of childhood was my father hanging up a picture of Jesus over where we would soon get our first television. I would stare into Jesus’ eyes and believe he was looking at me. I would see Him watching over me throughout my day as a little girl. When we moved, Jesus seemed to come with us. He was literally stolen when we moved from Michigan to California. It was in California the abuse began. I didn’t know about Jesus any longer, but it wouldn’t be until my turning thirteen Jesus would resurface.

At thirteen, we moved back to Michigan. The town had a church my mother would come to take us to, but it was my father who felt self-righteous who forced my sisters and brothers to go. The church is named Berean Baptist. During the time we went to Berean Baptist, I remember really enjoying because someone seemed to care for me and it wasn’t because I had to do something to make them not hurt me. The youth pastor and his wife, a childless couple, took me in as theirs. They took me to church back home every Sunday and even drove me for special youth events. They seemed to really show me through their actions I mattered to them. It was in them loving me that I first learned God loved me, He saw my brokenheartedness, and that I mattered to Him.

Days would pass and it soon came time to move once again.

I was frightened.
I was alone.
I was still hurting.
I was nowhere near Jesus’ presence any longer.

My abuser changed tactics and the violence escalated.

I did what it took to just get by. I lived the only way I knew how. I believed I did my best under the circumstances and what I did to survive having been abused and raped. I also knew that how I existed wasn’t what I thought life could be.

As someone born-again, my transformation happened slowly. It wasn’t until I recognized I had a voice that I truly began seeing God’s love transforming this brokenhearted soul of mine.

The Transformation

Here was I an adult, married to someone who was the most constant and stable thing in my life, and I couldn’t have children. Fertility treatment after fertility treatment failed. I just suffered the worst blow to my getting pregnant, a miscarriage, after four years and seven months of trying to just have a baby. I had just started talking about being a survivor of child sexual abuse and rape, and I felt a sense of naked vulnerability and was desperate to allow Jesus to come back into my life again. Nothing I wanted seemed to be happening or even remotely possible. Death was more tantalizing than ever before.

It was then, in all of my brokenness, I started trying to find a place for Jesus in my life.
I was sick of trying year after year doing it my way.

At the lowest of point of my life with all the raw wounds of my brokenness, God began using my life for His will. June 1, 2005 I went on my first missionary trip to Dover, Delaware. I had the opportunity of outreaching to people hurting at the Dover races and in the youth program at a local Dover church struggling to get its youth program up and running. I never expected to have God answer a prayer so dear to my heart. It was on that first day of my missionary trip that I first started drinking milk because God implanted in my womb my son Tien-Tien. Even though I was sent home from the mission field, God used my pregnancy to heal my wounds. I learned about my powerlessness to control and how spiritually poor I am without Jesus in my life. I had no personal power. He used the time to allow me to be healthy for the first time in my life. He has given me plenty of opportunities to love people right where they are at, and show them how He can transform their lives because God did so with mine.

From an empty womb and broken heart, God showed me what His very nature was and always is. God is a loving God (John 3:16 and John 4:19). He loved me even before I knew Him (Jeremiah 1:5), and it was through His love for me that I came to love today. God is my one true Comforter (Psalm 121). In the times of my weakest moments, I cling onto that tiny mustard seed of faith He implanted in my life as a young child. He is also merciful (Ephesians 3:16 and Luke 1:78-79). He provided strength in my inner being and power through His Holy Spirit. The will of God is perfect (Romans 12:2). In praying the relinquisher’s prayer, I gave my will over to God because He has no intention to harm me. You might ask, “why did God allow you to go through what you have if He is such a loving and kind God?” My answer to you would be because it is through my experience He has drawn me closer to Him. God only desires to know you and us to love Him, need Him, and desire His will for our lives (Mark 12:30). So, it is through my stepping out of denial of how much I have a need for him that God’s love has truly transformed me. God said transformation (1 John 1:5) entails a person stepping out of denial and realizing that in darkness we have hidden our pain and become unable to heal, and, thereby, we can only live in the light of God’s nature as we become transformed into His likeness through accepting Jesus Christ (John 14:6 and 2 Corinthians 3:17-18).

If we accept Jesus as our Savior, then three things happen to us. We are free from the penalty of sin (John 14:6). We are free from the power of sin in our lives (John 16:33). Last of all, we are free from sin, shame and guilt (1 Peter 2:24). It is through my acceptance of Jesus Christ as my Savior that I have life once again.

In order for me to live, my life verse states it better than anything I could write or say, “I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God,^* who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:19-20).

There has been a sense of freedom gained in my letting go and allowing Jesus’ Holy Spirit to inhabit me. As my spiritual walk deepened, I have been given the fruits of Jesus' Holy Spirit within me. Those fruits are love (agape); joy (chara); peace (eirene); patience (makrothumia); kindness (chrestotes); goodness (agathosune); faithfulness (pistis);gentleness (prautes); self-control (enkrateia) (Galatians 5:22-25). I no longer try to die just to be. I live right here and now in the present because of God’s love in me. I have learned to love once again. Through my learning to love again, I have been given a joy that is far greater than the joy I had seen in the eyes of the members of Berean Baptist church. I have a peace inside of my heart knowing though I have been hurt it is through my being forgiven I can forgive those who’ve hurt me. Patience isn't always my middle name; however, I pray to be slow to anger, so that I can love people where they are right now and here…not for what they will become or what they can do for me. There is a sense of kindness that exudes beyond me. In the ministries I have been, I am called and act as a servant of the Most High. There is a sense of goodness about me that has been afforded in my life because of Holy Spirit inhabits those gaping wounds in my heart that were filled with hurt and sadness, and in doing so transforms the anger and depression into something beautiful. There is a sense of faithfulness and dedication to who I am in Christ by my accepting my responsibilities and what Christ has afforded me to change today. This faithfulness has led me to be exactly the child, adult, woman, wife, mother God has always seen me as. Some have told me today they see gentleness in my very nature, but it isn’t of me or from me it is from my Lord and Savior. The last fruit of the Spirit given to me was my having a sense of self-control. When times get tough and I no longer can handle life circumstances, the Holy Spirit kicks it up a notch and remains as my only pilot. I like to think of it as the Holy Spirit having a full time 24/7 ministry in me I have been given back my personal power. I am empowered by being able to direct my energies and behavior under the power and majesty of Jesus Christ my Savior Lord and Father God. No longer am I brokenhearted.

So, here I write before you today, as a witness to the Most High, and I have been blessed so much from each one of you here in my life. The Lord has used this space here to enable me to feel again, to live with a sense of authenticity, and to challenge my spiritual walk as I draw closer to my Lord and Savior. I currently working on my personal inventory in the Celebrate Recovery booklets, and I praise God for working on me for His glory because I feel that I have a sense of detachment from how brokenhearted I had been feeling, and in His beginning a healing inside of my heart that I am able to write what person or persons I have come to fear or resent, what cause originated that fear, the effect of it, and what has been the damage I believe it has caused me. I know today I have some responsibility for the things I had control over, but the greatest thing is I have learned was it was not my fault that I was abused; instead, I take responsibility over realizing how I have hurt people and in how I did hurt them. I pray for those people to open their hearts one day when they are old enough or ready for them to hear I want to ask forgiveness from them. I also pray that I learn to forgive myself for not being who I expected or living up to what I needed myself to be in the times I did what I could. I pray also God keeps showing me, teaching me, loving me, and reminding me what I have been given—eternal life, so that I can share it with you and with someone who doesn’t know how His love can and will transform if you just let Him.

Belly Dancing

2008-10-31T20:44:00.003-07:00

Today began my first day belly dancing for mindfulness of my own body and exercise. Its a class offered at my school, so I was really pleased that it was in an atmosphere that I trust and feel comfortable within my limits. I also like the fact that if I go to exercise I can attend other group classes like cardio dance and even kickboxing (if I get in shape enough). I really enjoyed the class today. It was my first time going. I am hoping to buy my own little hip shaker scarf. I hope to continue my journey to finding my own sense how I can be healthy. Shaking it into the new month!

Talents

2008-10-27T21:13:00.003-07:00

I just have to praise God for what He has gifted me. Tonight I just finished my first ever worship presentation with a song and lyrics, all timed and rehearsed. It took me over a couple hours, but thanks to Jesus' help I am finished. Praise be to God who watches over all who try to do His will!!!!

Broken

2008-10-25T19:10:00.004-07:00

For the last few days I have been struggling to find a way to not have what I think are anxiety attacks. I have been feeling like something was brewing, and it made me feel quite uneasy. I felt like I had to prepare for an attack by something warring with me. It was hard for me to ground myself. I started to get a little angrier and more apt to displaying a side of being out of control. I felt really besides myself. I started to overeat food and try to find some sort of way to ease the anxiety I felt. I am feeling slightly better, but I know God will deliver my soul from what is taking place. Its hard to trust Him. I know as a Christian many might see that to be less possible, if God is supposed to be Lord of lords over our lives, but we are still human and face the same struggles as non-Christians face. I do struggle with trusting God with things in my life. It might come in very subtle ways, but one thing I am supposed to do is to take heart and endure the test He is using to show my loyalty to Him. I hope He will forgive me of the many ways I try and just do it my way. I am so wrong to believe I can do life without Jesus. May Jesus always welcome me back into His arms and provide the shelter and rest when I come so broken at His feet and wash them with my tears of surrender.

Coming Up For Air

2008-10-21T19:08:00.002-07:00

There is a beauty about breathing in the coolness of Autumn's air. It feels good to just take in the smells of the season, and to feel the coolness of the morning air on my skin. Today it was in the 40s when we went to school. It was cool outside, and I wore no jacket today...just long sleeves. I really enjoy this time of year.

I am honoring myself right now not to talk or speak of the emotional side of healing that took place today. I just wanted to say that it was beautiful to listen to others speak of what allowed them to be free.

The thing that touched my heart was hearing how people admire the strength and courage survivors of rape, child abuse or domestic violence have. I am beginning to believe I do embody that sense of strength and courage besides own my own sense of personal power.

Where I Was Moments Ago

2008-10-13T20:28:00.002-07:00

No words to describe what I was feeling, but just am glad I found a video that expresses the struggle I had been facing. I hope you watch it.

The Greatest Gift (Part Three)

2008-10-13T04:55:00.002-07:00

[Insert My Image]

Title: The Face of Failing to Love

[Note to readers: This is under construction right now. I am just trying to construct what I want to convey and do it in a manner that is worthy of my time and energy.]

The Great Gift (Part Two)

2008-10-12T20:37:00.003-07:00

Not of Me

How many times have you sought to give that one person you love the most perfect gift and failed?

I love seeing how my love can transcend pain, hurt, time and distance. I love to see people smile. I love to make people forget that one moment that they tried hardest to forget, and show them that they can live for the moment. Often times, I have this pride-issue that worries over what to give my loved ones. I desire to give a beautifully wrapped thoughtful gift in hopes of getting the "ahs" and "ohs" from touching their hearts. I often forget that it is what is meant in giving someone a gift of my love.

Frantically, my head will lead me to places visited or at the clearance rack of some fine store because I cannot always have a limitless flow of money to dote on choosing something that says "I love." I feel defeated finding that one great gift only to find out later it isn't in my budget.

If I loved them enough, why don't I share the love that is not from me?

The Greatest Gift (Part One)

2008-10-12T11:59:00.004-07:00

Utter Disappointment

I'll never forget the look upon her face the moment she spied the shiny silver gift upon the television in the living room. It had a decorative ribbon and a shiny silver bow. Inside, I had no idea of what it contained, but as she picked it up she began unwrapping the gift I had no intention of her unwrapping. I had received it from a celebration in my name for doing something spectacular at school and to commemorate a speech I had given. Now, here was my Mom, whom I love dearly, unwrapping this gift with full intent of getting something extraordinary and beautiful. Her eyes watered with joy and excitement and seeing her moved beyond words made me feel regretful I didn't just rip the gift from her hands. I didn't want have to explain to my Mom that no matter how much I wanted her to have some splendid gift, this wasn't the one. My heart broke as she unwrapped so gently the silver wrapping, and unfolded in her eagerly awaiting lap a Costco brand tissue box. I saw her heart sunk into her soul. I began crying because I never wanted to disappoint my Mom beyond the grief she has all ready had to endure in her lifetime. Inside, I began chasing thoughts frantically of ways to redeem myself, but not even a pair of diamond earring right then there could take away the disappointment she had just experienced. I walked quietly toward her. I wanted to tell her that she had no right to open that present or to think she was the one it was for. I wanted to be angry at her, but all I could do was feel sad and feel the disappointment that hung in the living room. What came out of my mouth instead was my asking her for forgiveness. I told her I honestly didn't know what it contained and that I had gotten it at the Gala held in my name. She tried to act as she could brush off her disappointment or sadness with the polite "okays" and "its all right," but inside of me I knew that what happened would never be good enough for her and I wanted to make it right. So, I began thinking of ways to make up for her disappointment....

Sleepy

2008-10-10T14:04:00.003-07:00

Today has been a good day. It has been a day I stood up in court and was heard, and was granted another temporary peace order for until the final hearing November 3rd. While there, I was able to share my testimony with one other woman. It felt good. I was nervous as anything, but overall I was more or less still because I allowed God to do His work. I wasn't frantic at all. I contacted my attorney and on the 3rd of November she will represent me. I will also have other support from a friend from my church come with me, and maybe even my pastor will come with me too to aid in giving moral support or provide testimony of who I am and whatnot. We will see. I was also told that I can go forward in pressing criminal charges, but it will be up to the State Prosecutor to actually go forth with pressing charges. This is an option I am seeking, but one that I am not sure about doing so. Anyways, I am tired once again, so I am going to take some rest and clean up Tien who just made me the stinkiest package ever.

Sunday, Sunday...La La

2008-10-05T01:51:00.006-07:00

It is so weird to be up so early in the morning. I feel like backing some brownies and cakes for later on, but then I doubt that I will stay up and just let them burn in the oven. I was thinking of making some milk chocolate brownies with some walnuts in them, and then also make my own Boston cream cake with yellow cake, chocolate pudding using Lactaid fat-free milk (haha, yea, Fat-Free milk--I have to cut calories somewhere) and milk chocolate frosting. Sounds yummy doesn't it? Then again, I am probably going to cook them after we get home from church later on. On another note, I am working on a rough draft for a paper. I still have not nailed down a topic. We brainstormed topics in class, but then I was thinking of making it different than what I originally thought. I am thinking I might write about Jesus, being a survivor of child sexual abuse, on being safe, or writing my witness testimony on being a follower of Christ. Wide range of topics, huh? That is the dilema. I feel compelled to write about all these things, but which one would be more appropriate for a essay writing class is another thing. I don't care if others don't like the topic. What I care about is getting what my topic means on smaller and larger levels across and how well I express what I mean. I want to incorporate five sublevels to the essay. I was considering how in plays there are five movements of parts. I don't remember exactly how this is done, so I am going to have to do a little research on how this happens and what really goes on in those movements. The rough draft is due on Monday, but on Monday I will be meeting with a woman from class to go over how to begin writing HTML code for her own student homepage. After that, I have class from 4-515pm, GROW at church, and then come home to be with my family. It is going to be a busy day on Monday. Anyways, it is 5:06am right now. I need to get baking or writing or researching or sleeping. I plan on waking up around 8am, if I go back to sleep so I can go to Sunday school and then to worship. I hope whatever I do I remain thankful for the many blessings God bestows upon me through my whole entire day. Have a wonderful Sunday everyone!

Idea of Safety

2008-10-01T00:58:00.003-07:00

So, as I was getting ready to fall asleep, I read the daily Proverb calendar for September 30th, and it read, "The horse is prepared against the day of the battle: but safety is of the Lord," Proverbs 21:31. It goes on to state, "Bad things are going to happen, but we can turn to the Lord for refuge." I sat pondering how God speaks to me quite loud and clear. I was asking for a sense of safety, and He said, "Look to me Melissa" by showing me that Proverb and the saying that followed. It reminds me of the song, "My Help" we have sung at my church. It is taken from the 121 Psalm. It goes as follows:

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From where shall my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The LORD will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.

I ought to visual myself taking refuge under God's arms and reminding myself God is far bigger and greater than any of my enemies and even yours. This much I can be confident about. His love has never failed and neither have His promises to never forsake me or you. Amen.

Feeling Safe

2008-09-30T22:37:00.004-07:00

I think the problem I have been having with sleeping is that I don't feel safe. I feel on edge after having spoken with Oscar, and how that makes me feel is angry and unsure of how to make my family and I feel safe once again. I haven't used my cell phone as often, dreading the idea he may call. I haven't really enjoyed being outside, dreading the idea he might just be nuts enough to come after me. I have watched Tien and David sleep, so I can just remember them and not see how peaceful they look. I have feel like something might happen to me, and that I cannot shake the feeling of him possibly hurting me because I've finally taken a stand against him. I'm not scared to die, but what I am scared of is Oscar possibly hurting my son or husband. So, what that does to me now is make me need to regain my sense of security back by taking measures to ensure my safety. I cannot rely on Oscar to do the right thing. He has proven not to be worthy of that due to him abusing his power over a young child, teenager, and young adult. Tomorrow I plan on getting a peace order filed, so that way it ensures I have some legal trail documenting I do not want to be harassed in any form and desire Oscar not to contact me, my family, workplace, son's school or my husband's place of business whatsoever. If he does, he can be arrested. What my getting a peace order does is give me peace of mind and with consistent prayer I can overcome the fear of being hurt or unsafe due to past experiences with Oscar.

A Heart for God

2008-09-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I questioned my salvation because my witness testimony varied quite differently than the others. I didn't take into account my histories or how God did work through the issues I have been having or had. I allowed the devil to bring me to tears about whether or not I truly knew what salvation was. All I knew was I believed I was saved, and yet there was a doubt being placed in my mind's eye from having only recently truly began living for God. I had to take the perspective that my salvation was that tiny mustard seed of faith I took in order to ask Jesus as my Savior, and then my utter brokenness and need for God to take control of my life as when I repented from sin's grip and allowed God to be my pilot and me sit in the copilot seat. That tiny mustard seed of faith grew like a small baby unable to speak or understand into a woman who understands the sacrificial love of my Lord and Savior. That is the power of transformation! The ability to allow God to transform me more into His likeness takes a lot of discipline and being out of control. Its in those broken places God fills Himself in me with a truth and understanding of how it is to be merciful, loving, and humble. As I learn more and more, die more to my own will, and begin to truly allow God's will for my life to become reality I truly see His craft at work and am awed He would use me. I am forever indebted to His loving kindness. How befitting that I can spend the rest of eternity praising Him for what He has given to a most undeserving person like me.

Trying to Sleep

2008-09-28T20:42:00.003-07:00

So, I've put Tien asleep, and David is asleep on the couch. I was working on some homework and catching up on some other social network sites. I got the confirmation message Oscar did receive my message on him needing to respect my privacy or else I will take other measures to ensure it. I was waiting for that message confirmation because I needed to know he got it. I also needed to make sure he heard me clearly and precisely. I am overtired, but I can't just stop my thoughts long enough to feel rest taking over. I even ate two small Swiss cheese and mayonnaise rolls plus some Cool Ranch Doritos. That hit the spot. I didn't eat since earlier in the afternoon after church. I am now downloading some guided imagery tapes for getting to sleep. Maybe that will help me fall asleep more restfully. I know when I prayed today in the early morning hours I woke up still in deep prayer. I think I just entered a state of mind that blocked out all the outside noise and prayed deeply with my Lord and Savior. Well, I am going to try and get some sleep. My eyes are shutting right now, and I have on the guided imagery too.

Good Morning

2008-09-27T06:32:00.003-07:00

When I woke up this morning, I thought instead of focusing on everything else, I wanted to focus on what God did for me. What struck me was what Jesus did to prepare for taking humanity's sin. Jesus prayed to Father God. I can only imagine the desperation He must have felt knowing He would be face a horrific death moments later. As a sinner for who Jesus died for, the anguish Jesus felt grieves me because He did not deserve the torment of knowing His death. I want to cry because as He kneeled to pray to God the same disciples who were supposed to pray for him failed Jesus; I think this is the ultimate display why we can never fully put our trust in man. Jesus even after suffering the anguish and accepting His fate, still felt compassion and love for the same disciples that failed him.Please read JR Miller's account on Jesus' time in Gethsemane here.When I read my Bible study this morning, the author left the question, "will your love show the grace of God?" I hope my last words will remind people of the victory Jesus had overcome by dying for you and me. I hope that I don't cry out in fear or pain but cry out of praise God for loving me that much to gift me eternal life. Even though I will have loved one here on earth, I know that my Father God has a will for their lives, and that He will watch them for all their days of their lives and beyond. I hope I won't grieve the loss of my own life and just accept what lay before me at the time as Jesus did. I believe this is what it means in the serenity prayer.

Jesus honestly took this world as it was and is. He understood the failure of man's humanity to be the ultimate truth, and in this lack of being what the world needed Jesus stood up for you and me. So, as I go on with the rest of my day, my hope is that I do what I need God to be like...in a loving, caring way that shows what God's grace has given to me.

Unfocused Tonight

2008-09-26T22:47:00.003-07:00

I think I have been really unfocused tonight about everything. I am preoccupied with blogging, using Facebook and whatnot. I spent most of the day doing homework. Tien came around and said, "You on the puter Mommy again." So, I stopped, and we went grocery shopping. It was rough taking him shopping tonight because he was so full of energy. I had to figure out how to keep him on track and not get so upset with his just being little. I saw myself being really annoyed and I started to get angry. I can't explain why, but I think it is because I didn't keep God first today at all. I did think of God often throughout the day, but my focus wasn't really on how I can do the work of Jesus and love those around me in the way He would have me do it. It is getting late. I need to get some sleep before I get too tired and unable to fall asleep.

A New Step

2008-09-22T22:16:00.002-07:00

Yesterday is done and today is here. Today marks my newest step in my journey to be totally free from my yesterday. My hope is to blog what the day has brought me and reach out to others who have experienced the trauma work of gaining one's voice and finding a pathway of sharing the hope that has given you a freedom in your life.

100 Things I Would Like to Do In My Life Revisited

2008-09-22T21:58:00.002-07:00

This my complilation of the top 100 Things I Would Like to Do in My Life

Be more physically mobile by losing some weight--ideal goal weight 265 lbs
Goto Fiji
Meet my Japanese siblings and family still living in Japan and Okinawa
Become a Early Care and Education Professional--ask me more about it if interested
Be able to walk a mile in 15 minutes
Live life the way God sees me living in His grace, glory and love
Own my own home--I'd love to own a one story house, so my son can run around without the fear of falling down TONS of stairs when he gets to walking
Build a little playground for my son
Encourage, protect, and love my son and future children as they are and not who I want them to be
Pray for David's salvation
Sleep on a beach (a clean one, which isn't full of sandfleas HAHAHHA)
Love David not just because of what he can do for me but for who he is to me
Love Tien for who he is not who I want him to be
Live in the moment
Live in the present, not in the past
Run--not just dream about why people do it any longer
Build more trusting friendships
Trust God has His will in my life to fulfill
Trust God has me in His loving arms without intending to hurt me or the ones I love
Continue in doing daily Bible study
Grow in my faith
Be more missional in my every day life through loving and meeting people where they are at
To be continued....

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

2008-06-25T16:24:00.001-07:00

I cannot believe that I have not written since May of this past year. I thought for sure I may have written here since then, but I guess the lack of a blog-life I have been having has really hurt my even being able to write.