Willingness to Change

I've often wondered, if confronted with the prospect of  my own willingness to change, would I be able to change the pervasiveness of hurt and pain in my life.

I have been reading for the last four hours about stories like me, and, to be honest, I am scared of the truth and afraid of the next step.

I've had over 30 years of pain....30 years of loneliness, always trying to be what others wished me to be.   A shadow among those I love.  All I am now is a woman who finds ways to love others just not myself.  I eat my feelings so frequently that I call myself an emotional eater.  I feel alone even when in a room full of people. I have problems trusting others. I hurt those around me by my words or fits of anger. I often think of how it must be better for the ones I love if I commit suicide rather than cause them emotional turmoil. I believe that I am unlovable deep down because this is what I was told and showed through the manipulation of the one who abused me. I believe I don't have the proper attachment to build a life on mutual respect, love, honor or, even, trust.

How can I can begin to heal and actually be who God has destined me to be...more than I am now.