Not Feeling Sleepy Enough

It's 146am. My head hurts and I slept a long time during the day. If I was trying for an escape, the one thing I really messed up was my sleeping pattern by sleeping 9 hours during the night plus another three hours for a nap.

Yeah, life is a little stressful for me right now. As I heard on an episode I watched online tonight, "it is what it is." So, what? You are thinking. I don't know. What I do know is that tonight I need to sleep, but right this moment my brain hurts from thinking and it is 150am.

How am I coping with things?

Well, let me put it this way...not eating for nutrition or sleeping much more than usual and even though I sleep I still feel like crud.

Depressed is a word that pops into my mind when I ask myself, "what am I feeling."

I am depressed I have missed three classes for DBT, which includes a couple counseling sessions, and this could put me at stake to being kicked out of the program. I also feel worried about feeling depressed. I think about those around me. I think whether or not they truly have my best interest at heart or am I just someone who they need in their life for the moment to get them somewhere. I think about where I am in my life or lack thereof and feel depressed about the choices I have had to make to ensure a nurturing environment for my son and I. I don't regret having to had to make those choices, but I feel like if I were given an opportunity to have some form of normalcy then I could have been dealt with a better hand at life...or my ability to cope.

Okay. So, I know that was me not accepting responsibility for the choices I have made and me acting as if I were the victim of circumstance, but there are parts of me that still grieve for that part of me that wants to be provided for and loved unconditionally.

Unfair to God who first loved me, and out of His love for me I was able to learn to love myself.

I read and reread 1 Corinthians 13:7-8, "Love bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

My thought process goes somewhat like this:

1. bears means wear the cross I am given in this life
2. hopes means to expect the race to be completed in the end because Jesus has all ready overcomed
3. endures means that if love is to prevail at all cost to what life experiences I have in my life then why do I feel so sad or hurt or broken

Love ought to overwhelm my life through the love I have been given and received. Love ought to get me through moments like these. Love ought to be my focus instead of my need for me to be put first. Part of me feels like kicking and screaming, "what about me. why isn't it about me. aren't i loved enough? at what cost of my person will it take for me to finally feel to be loved?" Love ought to shine through the muck and grime leftover by my choices, so that what love still resides in my conscious life is giving God the glory for what He has done and still doing for me.

Insane isn't it?