What happens to my sense of interconnectedness with another loved one? It seems that feeling is fleeting. One moment I can feel like I matter enough for others to love me, and then in the next minute I find great difficulty feeling like I have a sense of belongingness with my loved ones. This feeling sucks.
I made some progress with being upfront about who I am to myself. It is hard for me to say, "yeah, I don't want to burden another" or "I lost that sense of belonging with someone I am closely connected with," and, yet, I found myself saying those things to my expressive art therapist. I felt stupid. Even though I felt ashamed for feeling this way, I found that it opened my eyes to my core beliefs.
Growing up, I was the second to the last child in my family. I was the quiet one. The one who was reserved and observent to everyday life around the house. I saw the struggle of my parents to provide a life for the whole family come first before my own needs. I still believe that the family as a whole comes first.
There were lots of opportunities for me to grow, yes; however, I had emotional difficulties due to early childhood sexual abuse. Having been manipulated by my uncle and a "family" friend, I was left with a truly distorted picture of what I meant to my family...and even myself. I was told I didn't matter by Oscar, the family friend. I was told that my parents didn't like me. I felt alone and rejected. I even felt like the only way I was any good was when I filled a need. The need wasn't always good.
I am guessing that this abuse forever made me lose a sense of who I was. I felt like I didn't ever really know who I was because I wasn't allowed to be myself. I was always what someone else wanted me to be. At an early age, this is what I learned.
I am not throwing myself a pity party. What I am trying to do is make some sense of who I am right here and now. I want some form of interconnectedness between the ones I love and me, and for me to see if the way I believe is reality or fiction. I don't want to live a distorted life. I want to live a life in the best way I can.
My not having a sense of identity is hard. I have been striving to create in me a sense of who I am. I have written affirmations on my bedroom window. I wrote things like, "I am loved" or "I can live life." I have written things like, "I am the best mother for Tien-Tien" and "God needed me here on earth so He brought me from heaven to earth to fulfill a need." I believe these to be true...at least in the moment I wrote them. I can look at the bedroom window and read them whenever I am struggling to see me in the mirror. The sayings help me. They help reinforce who I am in times of great struggle to keep me together.
So, here I am. I am feeling better about myself than when I first began writing this post. I still don't feel 100%. Honestly. I still have some things on my heart that cause me feelings of anger. I feel on one hand I should let that anger go, but then on the other side I am still very hurt by the way a situation ended that I don't want to let it go. If I let it go, I am saying to myself and the one who hurt me, "I am better. You don't control my life. I can move on with life." So, the decision I feel I need to make is quite clear. I need to let go of the anger and hurt.
So, this is what I am going to focus on this moment:
I am hearing...the softness of Celine Dion's voice singing in French
I am thinking...of how I need to go deep in prayer and call on the Lord to take away this anger and hurt inside of my heart before I let it eat me, a wonderful human being, up
I am thankful for...being given the chance to give birth to a little baby boy nearly four years ago when there are so many mothers who experience the loss of a baby
I am hoping...for a peace to overcome any sense of my being upset with the frivolous things in life when I have so much to be thankful for in the here and now
I am creating...a sense of hope
Around the house...there is a chill in the air
One of my favorite things...that happened today was my friend reflected back on what happened six years ago to the day, the birth of her son. When she did, I thought of the struggle to become pregnant and have a live birth. I thought of the pain and bitterness in my heart because all I wanted in my life was to be a Mommy. Now I am, and life is good. Life is good because I have learned to have a sense of fulfillment not by others' standards but of my own.
Things I am hoping for...are presents under a Christmas tree that bring joy of realizing how I have thought of a way to express my love for my family.
A few plans for the rest of the night...I plan to publish this post. I plan on taking deep breaths and ground myself thoroughly through prayer and meditation. I also plan on going to bed and sleep soundly.
A prayer concern I'm sharing with you...there is someone in my life that I haven't spoken to in a little while. I know she's an adult and she made choices for herself. I just feel a great sense of hurt and anger how she walked out of my life. She is my biological sister and sister-in-Christ. I pray she is safe. I pray that I let go of the anger inside of me, and just allow the wounds inside of me heal. I don't want to harbor ill feelings toward her. I want to have a loving nature and express it as the responsible woman I am today...not the teenager who felt abandoned by her when she shunned me because, "I was hurting my parents so much." I pray I forgive myself for feeling this way. I pray also that Michele is okay. I miss her dearly. I love her unconditionally. I also miss her son Brandon so very much.
